What's In A Married Name?

The question of post marriage name changes can be a touchy one.

The social, professional, and political implications and ramifications of WHATEVER name choice you make are complicated and are only exacerbated by the many emotions tied to family names.

I'm not changing my name when Joel and I get married in June, and here's how that happened.

Objectively, I loathe the gender inequality that's been so entrenched in post-marriage name change in American culture (and others) where we all expect that in an opposite sex marriage the woman will take the man's name.
To me it feels too much like the old Coverture Laws that stripped women of their legal status as people.
When a woman married, she no longer had any individual rights- she couldn't own property, sign contracts, or retain wages from work she did, among other things.
When I think about how relatively recently those laws were changed, it makes my skin crawl.
While I genuinely adore the family I'm marrying into (and actually really like the way "Caroline Rice" sounds) I couldn't reconcile the idea of letting part of my identity be subsumed by my husband's- no matter how much I love him and the family his name represents. They have a great family name...it's just not my name.

**I want to be super clear at this point that I absolutely NEVER judge women who DO take their husband/partner's name after marriage- my mom did and as a result I have a last name that I love. Tons of women I respect and adore and admire have taken their husband's last name as their own for any number of reasons and I love it for them.
I'll be the first one to get you a gift monogrammed with your new initials.
You do you, girlfriend!
It just wasn't the right choice for me in this situation.**
#GoodForHerNotForMe

The next logical step was to consider a hyphenated name.
Bright-Rice sounds (to me) like some kind of genetically modified type of grain designed to be a high yield crop. I also don't love how bulky a double barreled last name can be, and how a hyphen can complicate forms and documents. I also considered adding another last name and becoming Caroline Bright Rice or Caroline Rice Bright. Those still felt uncomfortable.

So the solution that I settled on that felt the most fair was to create a hybrid name that Joel and I could both switch to: Brice, or (MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE) Right.
I COULD LITERALLY BE MRS. RIGHT.
The problem with this is that it didn't feel "right" to Joel.
The idea of making up a new last name felt absolutely bizarre to him.
We debated both taking an older family name from his family or from mine. We considered looking through genealogies to see if we might have a name that overlapped in our families somewhere. We literally spent MONTHS discussing options.

But wait, didn't we just consider both keeping our names the way they are?
Well, of course we did.
HOWEVER.

It's no secret that Joel and I want to build a family together after we're married (no matter how we assemble it) and I feel strongly that while our kids are minors, I wanted them to have the same last name that I do.
Countless situations in my life (school registrations, international travel, medical appointments) were simplified because I had the same last name as both of my parents, especially my mom, even after my parents divorced.
In official situations it's easier to get recognized as a family if you all have the same last name- that's how our culture is set up.
I also like the symbolism of being the XYZ Family. For us, marriage is about creating a new family unit, and it was really important to me that a last name reflect that unit status.
Like, REALLY important to me.

Now, in the middle of all of this, I started researching post-marriage name change laws for men in the United States.
In theory, men should have the same post marriage name change process as women if they want to switch things up after they get hitched.
Again, there's a big HOWEVER here.

I discovered that in a lot of states, men are treated unfairly under the law if they want to change their last name upon marriage. They often have to go through a prohibitively expensive court process to make that happen.
That's straight up gender discrimination, y'all.

California's Name Equality Act of 2007  made things fair in California,  but very few states have an equivalent, which blew my mind because solving this is SUCH a simple thing. You just add a spot for "Name after marriage" to a marriage license application, and then the marriage certificate is printed with the full (new) names of both of the spouses on it.
It could be Taylor Smith and Jamie Doe. Taylor Smith-Doe and Jamie Doe. Taylor Smith-Doe and Jamie Smith-Doe. Taylor Smoe and Jamie Smoe.

When I found out that Pennsylvania has no equivalent to California's law, I raced upstairs and told (yelled to) Joel "YOU MAY NOT END UP CHANGING YOUR NAME BUT I AM GOING TO FIX THIS AND MAKE IT FAIR".






So long story short, I did some things and now there's a bill being introduced in the Pennsylvania Legislature to make post marriage name changes fair (and hopefully simple and inexpensive) for everyone regardless of their gender.



The bill won't become a law in time to solve this challenge for us, but it will make things easier for other couples down the road.

So what did we decide to do?
Well, Joel made a choice and I'm getting used to it.

Let me share part of the FAQs page from our wedding website with you:

Yes folks, it's true: Joel will be taking my last name after we get married. 

The most interesting part of this decision for me hasn't been the confused/skeptical reactions (and there have been some- mostly not in front of us, thank goodness) but rather how COMPLETELY WEIRD I actually feel about Joel becoming Joel Rice-Bright legally and Joel Bright socially.

I've been totally shocked by my own discomfort about it- and I'm DEEPLY uncomfortable with what that says about my own internalized misogyny/ the patriarchy.

The more time I spend with the idea of "Caroline and Joel Bright", the more I love it and respect Joel's unexpected decision. I love what it says about his beliefs, his priorities, and what he wants for our future- not to mention how attractive it is that he's that secure in his masculinity.
When a man makes a choice that's committed to moving equality forward in defiance of gender norms?
Oh yes PLEASE.



So that's where we are and what our plan is.
This is what works for us and is in ABSOLUTELY NO WAY any kind of judgement on the choices you might have made or will make someday.
People should be free to make whatever choices they want to- do what works for you!

Matrimony Monday: Coordinator Query

Recently, one of my best friends got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid.

I am so thrilled for her and SO honored to be included, but most of all I'm excited to support her adventures in wedding planning. 

Since she's very kindly letting me chill as *just* a bridesmaid (rather than a professional one, but let's be honest...will I still have a clipboard in my tote bag? Maybe.) I'm going to get to enjoy her wedding week a little bit more than I might otherwise.

But the other night she posed a very good question about wedding management:

"The ceremony location has a venue coordinator and the reception venue has an AMAZINGLY detail oriented coordinator. Do I still need a Day-Of Wedding Coordinator?"

I get this ALL the time and it's a completely legitimate question. 

Weddings are expensive, so why spend more money on YET ANOTHER vendor who seems to be redundant? 

Here's why: you need someone to be your brain on your wedding day so that you can experience it with your heart. 

A wedding manager is your wedding day advocate and proxy. 

("Wedding manager" is so much more accurate than "wedding coordinator", which we still often use so that people might know what we're talking about.)

She/he will make sure that everything you've worked on for months or years is executed as perfectly as possible, so that you can focus on marrying the love of your life rather than on worrying about flower deliveries or making sure that table numbers are on the correct tables. 

Venue coordinators work for the venue. 

Of course they want to keep you happy, but ultimately their top priority is advocating for the interests of their employer: the venue. 

Trust me, my mom has two wedding venues. Working a wedding FOR her is very different than working a wedding with her. 

So yes, Virginia, you do need a wedding manager who will advocate for you and for your vision on the day of your wedding. That way you can relax and actually ENJOY one of the most important days of your life, just as you should. 

How To Survive a Bridal Shower

If you are female and someone close to you has gotten married or will be getting married soon, you've been to a bridal shower. 

If, by some miracle, you've managed to avoid attending a standard shower, here's a quick synopsis: women (usually just women) gather, the bride opens gifts that those women have brought for her, games are played, food/cake/drinks are consumed. 

Apparently the tradition dates back to the 15th century in Holland, a fabulous country we now know as the Netherlands.

As the story goes, a woman from a wealthy family wanted to marry a man from a poor family, and her father tried to prevent it by withholding her dowry. 

The woman's friends banded together to "shower" her with gifts so that she would be able to marry the man she loved. 

Here's what I love about this origin story: essentially, a group of Dutch women got together to support another woman and to help empower her to autonomously make her own decisions. #GirlPower #SmashThePatriarchy

Today there are all kinds of showers (men can be showered too!) and all kinds of bridal shower etiquette questions surrounding them. The Emily Post Institute has a quick list of some shower questions and answers that I really like here. 

What it all boils down to for me is one simple question: does every element of the event honor the individuality of the bride? 

A Bridal Shower is about showering someone you care about with affection and joy- if you get so mired down in "tradition" or things that "have" to be done or "should" be done, it's easy to lose sight of that. 

There are a million articles out there on how to throw a bridal shower, but this post is going to focus on how to survive a bridal shower. 

I recently attended two showers in the space of six days and it was a LOT. 

For one wedding I'm reading in the ceremony and essentially day-of coordinating, and for the other I'm a bridesmaid.



The brides are also in each other's weddings and both showers were complete surprises for the honorees, so it was pretty delightful to watch them be surprised and showered with love. 

Here are my top tips on how to survive your next Bridal Shower:

For the Guest:

1. If there is wine, drink it.

2. Choose a gift that you've found particularly useful and write about that in the card. If you want to make a gift, make sure that it's very personalized and nicely presented. If you're unsure about what to bring, stick to the registry or ask the host.

3. If you feel awkward because you don't know many other shower attendees, revert to the one topic of conversation you definitely have in common: the couple getting married. Participate in the events and games with patience- sometimes these things drag a bit. Roll with it and eat some cake.

For the Bridesmaid:

1. If there is wine, drink it.

2. Follow the lead of the MOH or main host of the shower, but don't be afraid to step up if you see something that needs fixing. Be proactive. Ask for specific tasks. Is someone already writing down who gave which gift? Is someone collecting the bows from the gifts for later use? Do they need help breaking down after the shower is over? During the planning process, help guide the host to focus on things that the bride will actually like. Does she hate surprises? Make sure she isn't caught off guard.

3. Remember that this event, as with all wedding events, is not your time to be the center of attention. It it your time to vie for a "best supporting friend" award. Look at this as practice for the wedding day: your job is to focus on the bride.  Don't wear white or cream or something outrageous. Remember why you're there: someone you love is getting married.
If you can't set aside your need to be the center of attention maybe you shouldn't be in the wedding party at all. 

For the Bride:

1. If there is wine, drink it.

2. As you open your gifts, remember that each of them was chosen with love. Smile and be so grateful for everything, even if you *know* you're never going to use Aunt Suzie's gravy boat. Find something to genuinely compliment about each gift

3. Bask in the love you're being showered with. Maybe you love being the center of attention, maybe you don't. Regardless, focus on the fact that these people love you and want to share in your joy.