Matrimony Monday: Deciding to Get Married

First of all, let me be clear that I am decidedly not a marriage expert.
I'm not a sociologist, a counselor, a psychologist, a self help book author, or anything else.
I'm just a twentysomething who's been married, divorced, and is now engaged again- who spends a LOT of time immersed in the wedding industry and thinking about the nature of marriage. All of this is based on my own experiences and obsessive Hermione Granger style research.

When I was 22, I thought that I had found someone who would make a good teammate for life. 

Six years later, I can safely say that I still don't think I was wrong- I think he would have, if he'd wanted to be my (or anyone's) life teammate. 

But he didn't. 

More devastatingly, he didn't realize that (or tell me) until after we'd been married for a year. 

And so, we got divorced. 

I didn't want to get divorced- I wanted to stay married... but I eventually figured out that you can't force someone to be on your team. 

I know that seems pretty obvious, but everyone makes mistakes at 24. I'm just lucky that my mistake was something dumb but principled. I made the best decision I could with the information I had available to me at the time. As Maya Angelou said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
There are far worse mistakes I could have made.

Contrary to what our rom-com worshiping society tells us, marriage isn't for everyone. 
It's not that there isn't a lid for every pot, because it's not that hard to find a lid that will fit.
The trick is finding a lid that won't explode off of your pot when the water starts boiling.
I firmly believe that some pots are genuinely better off without lids.
Not every person is better off married or partnered.

For some people, life is better off if they're married as long as it's to the right person.
(This seems to be the overarching idea about marriage today.)
For other people, life is complete only when they're married, period.
(Look at most of the first half of the 20th Century in Western Culture for this concept.
Romantic marriage was necessary and for everyone!
This is still the pervasive idea in a lot of cultures and communities.)

For me personally, the point of dating has always been about finding someone who would be on my team permanently.
I've never been one for "casual" dating or hookup culture.
For me, if something is worth doing, it's worth doing seriously.



I relate to this scene a little too intensely.


Of course, when I actually WAS looking to date casually (I seriously just wanted to try new restaurants and talk to interesting people, which I did.) I found myself another husband.
Oops.

So how did we decide to get married?
It just rapidly became stunningly obvious that we needed to.

We're both pro-marriage people who want to build a family in the same ways.
We share the same values, principles, and almost all of the same priorities.
(He's more into spending money on cars than I am. *eyeroll* Can't win 'em all.)
He gets all of my references: Monty Python, most musical theatre jokes, weird stuff in Latin...

Most of all, I finally understood that line from Wuthering Heights-
"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."




It wasn't so much a decision to get married as it was an obvious necessity given who we are as people.
Honestly it felt like a "well, DUH" moment when I realized that this weird-like-me Philly guy was the one I didn't know I'd been waiting for.
(Ugh, I know, gross again, sorry.)
Unlike many other choices in my life, I didn't draw up a list of pros and cons, I didn't give a weighted point value to practical items that weigh in favor of my long term goals, and I didn't even consider how things would look in pictures first.
(Ok, well, I might have for a second, but you would too if you had the potential for cop/flight attendant engagement photos.)

So here's my point: if you have to weigh the pros and cons about marrying someone, you need to be honest with yourself about why you want to get married.

Is it simply because it's the next "logical" step?
Is it because they check boxes on a list?
Is it because you want the fun and spectacle of a wedding?
Is it because you're at a point in your life where you feel like you "should" be hitting certain goals and you haven't yet?
Is it in spite of fundamental differences that make your life consistently challenging that you're trying to ignore?

If you thought about any of these and then added the phrase "yeah, but..." then I think the situation bears discussion with someone who knows you really well and/or is a professional at helping people work through hard life things. 
If you're a traveler with a weird schedule like me, allow me to recommend BetterHelp or TalkSpace.


There's definitely no "right" timeline for deciding to marry someone.
Some people know after two weeks.
Some people know they're ready after two years of (metaphorically) kicking the tires and working through stuff.
Some people know they DON'T EVER want to get married, and that's ok too!
(As long as they're honest with their potential partners about it.)

That's pretty much what I've got so far.
Check back with me in another few years to see if anything has changed...because goodness knows my thoughts on this topic were VERY different when I was in my early twenties vs. now in my well seasoned late twenties when I am finally so wise.

Dry February: 2018

Last year I attempted Dry February and failed delightfully. 

This year, I'm going to give it another shot. 

Heh. Shot.

I've spent essentially the entire month of January without my full voice, sometimes more sick, sometimes less, but after four weeks of this I am SO sick of being sick. 

I finally went in to see the doctor at our company health clinic earlier this week and during the check in process the nurse asked the normal questions before taking my vitals. I gave my standard answers.

"Do you drink coffee or tea?"

Yes, I'm a Flight Attendant. 

"Do you smoke?"

No.

"Do you drink alcohol?"

Yes, I'm a Flight Attendant. 

I often joke about the...intense...relationship that Flight Attendants typically have with alcohol. 

In our industry it's just a known fact that flight crews drink, sometimes to excess. 

I've never really had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, probably because I consistently evaluate my habits when it comes to drinking. I try to be aware of what I'm doing because at the end of the day, alcohol is essentially poison.

Fun, socially acceptable poison, but still. Bad for ya.




At the conclusion of the appointment, the doctor had diagnosed me with "extreme extreme" congestion due to chronic allergies (WHAT?! I've never been a person with allergies in my life. WHO AM I?) and chronic dehydration due to my job ("All of you are dehydrated. All of you.").

While I was relieved to not have a sinus infection that would require antibiotics, I was mildly annoyed to be diagnosed with stuff that will require actual lifestyle changes to remedy.
You mean I have to, like... take care of myself?
And so, Dry February seemed like a thing worth trying again because alcohol is dehydrating and stuff.
Ugh.




I've decided that it's going to be easier this year than it was last year- my life looks very different in February 2018 than it did in February 2017.
98% of those differences are excellent.
2017 ended with some HUGE and painful changes, then suddenly (and possibly miraculously), things got really fantastic just in time for a new year to begin.

This year, I have a real reason to not drink (and no, I AM NOT PREGNANT. Seriously. The weirdest part of being in your late 20's is everyone thinking you're pregnant every time you turn down an alcoholic beverage or gain five pounds.) which is better than last year's vague motivation of "I just want to see if I can."
I'm hopeful that will make the next 28 days easier. Breaking a habit is hard, guys.
Not hard like things that are actually difficult, but not super fun either.

So here we go!

F(l)ight Club

By now, if you are a fluent user of the internet, you have surely heard about the latest viral controversy plaguing beleaguered United Airlines. 

Everyone is talking about this poor guy who was dragged off of his flight and the horrible treatment he received. 

Look, I wasn't there when it happened.

I do not work for United.

But here's my take on the drama.

1. Oh lordy, was this situation BUNGLED. 

From allowing the passengers to board when they KNEW there would be four who needed to be displaced for crew repositioning, to the airline's response on social media, to the ongoing PR handling, this whole thing is a cascading hot mess. 

Based on what I've read about this situation, it sounds like there were four seats on that oversold flight that were needed to get a crew to Louisville to work- deadheaders, as we call them in the airline industry. The company probably needed them to get to work in order to avoid canceling or further delaying other flights. Those four passengers were asked to give up their seats to save hundreds of others from being stranded on a week when literally THOUSANDS of passengers have been trapped in airports all over the country. As far as I can tell, these weren't joyriding non-revs, these were deadheading working crew members.

Sometimes deadheads are planned, but sometimes they're unplanned or a prior delay can complicate things. This is normal. I have been in situations where passengers on an oversold flight have been bumped for me or for another crew member. If you miss a flight, it's a problem. If a crew member misses a flight it can be a complete DISASTER for hundreds or thousands of people. 

However, the situation should have been dealt with at the gate. 

No passengers should have boarded that aircraft when they still needed to solve the crew seating issue. I am absolutely baffled as to how or why that happened. 

2. You aren't actually entitled to that exact seat on that exact flight.

As much as you're going to hate this, an airline is completely within the contract they signed with you to bump you from a flight whenever they need to. When you buy a ticket, you commit to a Contract of Carriage. You can find United's here.  

You don't own a seat on that plane.

3. This was horrendously bad customer service.

There's just no way around this one. Horrible service was provided to the man who was removed, as well as to the rest of the passengers who were on that flight. 

People deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and dignity.

That obviously didn't happen here.

That said....

4. When you're traveling, you need to be a reasonable adult. 

Travelers of the world, you need to have some perspective.
Every single person on that plane had an important reason for trying to get to Louisville yesterday. Maybe it was for a college visit. A funeral. Going home from Spring Break. A big meeting.

Every single person on every single airplane has an important reason to be there.

As terrible as I feel for the passenger who was injured, he absolutely needed to follow the instructions he was given, no matter how upset they made him. 

Travel (and life, for that matter) doesn't always go according to your plan. 

It's frustrating. It's maddening. It's enraging. It's not FAIR. 

But you still have to follow the rules and you still have to be a reasonable adult. 

You don't get to yell and scream and kick because you have to do something you don't want to. 

You comply and then get the company to give you a $1200 travel voucher. Or file a complaint with the Department of Transportation. Rant about it on Twitter

You do whatever you need to do to work through it, but you can't break the rules because you're mad.

Be responsible and handle yourself. Period.

5. This is having a big impact. 

My passengers actually paid attention to my safety demo this morning. 

I'm not sure if they were worried I was going to kick them off or if they just really liked my life vest, but I did have an unusually attentive crowd on my flight today. 

United's stock has plummeted in the midst of this PR nightmare. Social media seems more focused on this than real news and that's depressing.

I'm also extremely amused by the number of people who are suddenly experts on Airline Procedures... something tells me they probably have some even diagram overlap with the group of people who say things to me like "I fly all the time! I bet I fly more than you."
You don't, sir. You don't. 

So that's my take on the whole thing.
I'll be very interested to see how all of this plays out, but in the meantime, please be kind to the many many faultless United employees who are just trying to do their jobs. I have friends who fly for them, and it's not fair to disparage them or their employer over one viral story. 

What an Autumn

The election is over and the dust is starting to settle, at least in Vermont. Nationally it still feels like so much is uncertain and frankly pretty scary.

I didn't win this time. While I'm sad, I'm really ok. I feel so lucky to have received such amazing support from so many people and at the end of the day, sometimes what really matters is that you tried.

Failing is rarely ever failure.

 

Right now, I'm trying to get some sleep. I'm looking forward to spending more time with friends, more time with Martin and his family, and more time traveling. Generally just more time doing things that are fun, like my real job as a Flight Attendant and blogging.

 

Once I've rested a bit, I'm going to get back up and fight. I'll continue to fight hard for equality. For kindness. For optimism. For the values that truly make America great.

I am so proud of this nation we love and I know that we are stronger together.

 

We can do this.

Fear Means Go: Take the Leap

I don't know about you, dear reader, but I am very consistently scared. 

Beyond my actual phobias (heights, blood, and needles, FYI), I'm primarily afraid of failure.

Trying new things can be really scary because you're opening the door to failure and all of the negative emotions that come with it: embarrassment, shame, disappointment, and heartbreak all come to mind. 

Two things are really important here.

1. "Failure" isn't actually a negative thing.

2. Life truly begins at the edge of your comfort zone. 

#1

In my quarter century here on Earth, one of the most important lessons I have learned is that failing at something can often be the best thing that can happen to you. 

We have a lot of ways of talking about this idea. Maybe you've heard someone say "When God closes a door he opens a window." or something like "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." 

Having faith that if you do fail, it's because something better is coming can be one of the best ways to plow ahead towards your goal or your dream, no matter how much it scares you. I can point to countless incidents in my own life that illustrate this idea. If I hadn't "failed" the first time I ran for office, I never would have found the job I love so much now. If I hadn't "failed" at being married, I wouldn't have found the wonderful man I'm currently in a relationship with. 

Failure is always going to hurt, but it doesn't have to be a negative. 

You can learn from it, grow from it, and achieve more and better things because of it.

#2

Speaking of growth, to really live you've got to grow, no matter how uncomfortable it is. Your comfort zone might keep you safe, but if you stay inside of it your life will stagnate. At best, you'll be a very boring person...probably one with a boring life. You'll go to work, go home, see the same people, do the same things, and you might not ever understand the underlying feeling that something isn't quite right. 

When something scares you, it's a good indicator that you should try it at least once so that you have the chance to see who you might become.  

When you're afraid, it means that something is big enough and important enough that it deserves your very best effort. Fear means it's time to take the leap because something matters. 

If you have a dream, go all in. Try. Dare greatly, and grow. 

I'll leave you with one of my favorite Garfunkel and Oates songs, "Loser". 

There's a little bit of strong language involved, so don't watch it around the kiddos, but it's awesome. 

"You are such a loser, good for you.

It's something that a lot of people can't do.

Trying is hard, that's why people don't do it.

Losing is hard, they can't make it through it.

But not you."