What's In A Married Name?

The question of post marriage name changes can be a touchy one.

The social, professional, and political implications and ramifications of WHATEVER name choice you make are complicated and are only exacerbated by the many emotions tied to family names.

I'm not changing my name when Joel and I get married in June, and here's how that happened.

Objectively, I loathe the gender inequality that's been so entrenched in post-marriage name change in American culture (and others) where we all expect that in an opposite sex marriage the woman will take the man's name.
To me it feels too much like the old Coverture Laws that stripped women of their legal status as people.
When a woman married, she no longer had any individual rights- she couldn't own property, sign contracts, or retain wages from work she did, among other things.
When I think about how relatively recently those laws were changed, it makes my skin crawl.
While I genuinely adore the family I'm marrying into (and actually really like the way "Caroline Rice" sounds) I couldn't reconcile the idea of letting part of my identity be subsumed by my husband's- no matter how much I love him and the family his name represents. They have a great family name...it's just not my name.

**I want to be super clear at this point that I absolutely NEVER judge women who DO take their husband/partner's name after marriage- my mom did and as a result I have a last name that I love. Tons of women I respect and adore and admire have taken their husband's last name as their own for any number of reasons and I love it for them.
I'll be the first one to get you a gift monogrammed with your new initials.
You do you, girlfriend!
It just wasn't the right choice for me in this situation.**
#GoodForHerNotForMe

The next logical step was to consider a hyphenated name.
Bright-Rice sounds (to me) like some kind of genetically modified type of grain designed to be a high yield crop. I also don't love how bulky a double barreled last name can be, and how a hyphen can complicate forms and documents. I also considered adding another last name and becoming Caroline Bright Rice or Caroline Rice Bright. Those still felt uncomfortable.

So the solution that I settled on that felt the most fair was to create a hybrid name that Joel and I could both switch to: Brice, or (MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE) Right.
I COULD LITERALLY BE MRS. RIGHT.
The problem with this is that it didn't feel "right" to Joel.
The idea of making up a new last name felt absolutely bizarre to him.
We debated both taking an older family name from his family or from mine. We considered looking through genealogies to see if we might have a name that overlapped in our families somewhere. We literally spent MONTHS discussing options.

But wait, didn't we just consider both keeping our names the way they are?
Well, of course we did.
HOWEVER.

It's no secret that Joel and I want to build a family together after we're married (no matter how we assemble it) and I feel strongly that while our kids are minors, I wanted them to have the same last name that I do.
Countless situations in my life (school registrations, international travel, medical appointments) were simplified because I had the same last name as both of my parents, especially my mom, even after my parents divorced.
In official situations it's easier to get recognized as a family if you all have the same last name- that's how our culture is set up.
I also like the symbolism of being the XYZ Family. For us, marriage is about creating a new family unit, and it was really important to me that a last name reflect that unit status.
Like, REALLY important to me.

Now, in the middle of all of this, I started researching post-marriage name change laws for men in the United States.
In theory, men should have the same post marriage name change process as women if they want to switch things up after they get hitched.
Again, there's a big HOWEVER here.

I discovered that in a lot of states, men are treated unfairly under the law if they want to change their last name upon marriage. They often have to go through a prohibitively expensive court process to make that happen.
That's straight up gender discrimination, y'all.

California's Name Equality Act of 2007  made things fair in California,  but very few states have an equivalent, which blew my mind because solving this is SUCH a simple thing. You just add a spot for "Name after marriage" to a marriage license application, and then the marriage certificate is printed with the full (new) names of both of the spouses on it.
It could be Taylor Smith and Jamie Doe. Taylor Smith-Doe and Jamie Doe. Taylor Smith-Doe and Jamie Smith-Doe. Taylor Smoe and Jamie Smoe.

When I found out that Pennsylvania has no equivalent to California's law, I raced upstairs and told (yelled to) Joel "YOU MAY NOT END UP CHANGING YOUR NAME BUT I AM GOING TO FIX THIS AND MAKE IT FAIR".






So long story short, I did some things and now there's a bill being introduced in the Pennsylvania Legislature to make post marriage name changes fair (and hopefully simple and inexpensive) for everyone regardless of their gender.



The bill won't become a law in time to solve this challenge for us, but it will make things easier for other couples down the road.

So what did we decide to do?
Well, Joel made a choice and I'm getting used to it.

Let me share part of the FAQs page from our wedding website with you:

Yes folks, it's true: Joel will be taking my last name after we get married. 

The most interesting part of this decision for me hasn't been the confused/skeptical reactions (and there have been some- mostly not in front of us, thank goodness) but rather how COMPLETELY WEIRD I actually feel about Joel becoming Joel Rice-Bright legally and Joel Bright socially.

I've been totally shocked by my own discomfort about it- and I'm DEEPLY uncomfortable with what that says about my own internalized misogyny/ the patriarchy.

The more time I spend with the idea of "Caroline and Joel Bright", the more I love it and respect Joel's unexpected decision. I love what it says about his beliefs, his priorities, and what he wants for our future- not to mention how attractive it is that he's that secure in his masculinity.
When a man makes a choice that's committed to moving equality forward in defiance of gender norms?
Oh yes PLEASE.



So that's where we are and what our plan is.
This is what works for us and is in ABSOLUTELY NO WAY any kind of judgement on the choices you might have made or will make someday.
People should be free to make whatever choices they want to- do what works for you!

Buddy Bidding: Flight Attendant Friends

There are a couple of misconceptions I encounter a lot when people ask me about working as a Flight Attendant. People seem to think that we have a "regular route" and that we work with the same crew members all the time. 

FAKE NEWS, PEOPLE.

(Are we still saying fake news?)

We do NOT have a "regular route". 

Some Flight Attendants have particular layovers that they prefer for any number of reasons. Maybe they have family they want to visit in Omaha. Maybe they live in Detroit but commute to Philly so they want to be able to go home on their overnights. Maybe they need a special type of buteer/handcream/face cream/medication that can only be purchased in Europe. 

If they have the seniority to get the layovers they bid for, they might fly to a particular destination more than others. Alternatively, if they have no seniority and Crew Scheduling falls in love with sending them to Las Vegas for every single major holiday....they might also end up at the same destination again and again. 

(Las Vegas was my second home in 2016. Thanks Scheduling.)

We don't fly with the same crew all the time.

(Kind of.)

Very rarely do I walk onto a plane and find I'm working with people I already know. After four years of flying, hundreds of flights, and literally MILLIONS of miles, it's pretty rare that I encounter co-workers I already know when we all sign in for a trip. It happens more now than it did two or three years ago, but it's still not common. 

Now, that said, on months when I'm not on call and instead have a set schedule (LINEHOLDER LIIIIIFE), I have the option of "buddy bidding" with up to three friends. That means we ask the scheduling gods to only assign us trips that we can work together. 

Even the worst trips can be fun when you're working with a friend you know and enjoy. 

In my case, it means having a friend I can count on to drink wine and eat loaded tater tots with at airport hotel bars in Kansas City..... among other things. 

I buddy bid with my friend Kim pretty regularly- we're bidding together for December because the odds are extremely high that, given our seniority, we're going to be working on Christmas and New Year's. If we can't be with our families in Vermont and Kentucky, at least we can be somewhere together and we can make the best of it. 

(Please scheduling gods, not the short LGA.)

Kim and I have had some awesome adventures together over the last couple of years, some planned, and some by accident- like last year when we got assigned to the same London trip, or earlier this week when Scheduling sent us to Zurich together! 

In the last couple of years, Kim and I have hung out together in a whole bunch of states and quite a few countries (including two that neither of us had every been to before! Cuba and Switzerland.) and we've had so much fun. 

Kim is an awesome person to work with, but she's even more of an inspiration in the real life she lives on the ground- hectic doesn't even BEGIN to describe it (SHE HAS SIX KIDS) but she pulls it all off with grace and an amazing amount of love. I hope that someday I can be even partly as amazing as she is. 

They say that when you marry someone your joys are doubled and your worries are halved, and I've found that's absolutely true when I fly with my pal Kim. 

Buddy Bidding is kind of like being married for a month at a time- and in the same way that I'm very lucky to have found an excellent fiance, I'm also extremely lucky to have found a fabulous Buddy Bidding friend. 

With Kim on the simulator in New Hire training when we were just bitty baby Flight Attendants. 

In Phoenix when the other members of our crew were also junior and very tolerant of my shenanigans. 

We've had a whole bunch of Island one day trips together. One highlight was a whirlwind trip to Cuba!

I forced Kim to take the "Caroline Bright Tour" of London and she got to see all of my favorite childhood spots!

We discovered Slap's BBQ in Kansas City together, and now we have to go there every single time we have a long enough layover in the Show Me State. 

We can't help that we're adorable and charming. It's a gift.

Earlier this week in Zurich, Switzerland. Absolutely our most insane trip together to date, but just another adventure in the chronicles of Kim&Caroline: Buddy Bidders.

Matrimony Monday: Deciding to Get Married

First of all, let me be clear that I am decidedly not a marriage expert.
I'm not a sociologist, a counselor, a psychologist, a self help book author, or anything else.
I'm just a twentysomething who's been married, divorced, and is now engaged again- who spends a LOT of time immersed in the wedding industry and thinking about the nature of marriage. All of this is based on my own experiences and obsessive Hermione Granger style research.

When I was 22, I thought that I had found someone who would make a good teammate for life. 

Six years later, I can safely say that I still don't think I was wrong- I think he would have, if he'd wanted to be my (or anyone's) life teammate. 

But he didn't. 

More devastatingly, he didn't realize that (or tell me) until after we'd been married for a year. 

And so, we got divorced. 

I didn't want to get divorced- I wanted to stay married... but I eventually figured out that you can't force someone to be on your team. 

I know that seems pretty obvious, but everyone makes mistakes at 24. I'm just lucky that my mistake was something dumb but principled. I made the best decision I could with the information I had available to me at the time. As Maya Angelou said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
There are far worse mistakes I could have made.

Contrary to what our rom-com worshiping society tells us, marriage isn't for everyone. 
It's not that there isn't a lid for every pot, because it's not that hard to find a lid that will fit.
The trick is finding a lid that won't explode off of your pot when the water starts boiling.
I firmly believe that some pots are genuinely better off without lids.
Not every person is better off married or partnered.

For some people, life is better off if they're married as long as it's to the right person.
(This seems to be the overarching idea about marriage today.)
For other people, life is complete only when they're married, period.
(Look at most of the first half of the 20th Century in Western Culture for this concept.
Romantic marriage was necessary and for everyone!
This is still the pervasive idea in a lot of cultures and communities.)

For me personally, the point of dating has always been about finding someone who would be on my team permanently.
I've never been one for "casual" dating or hookup culture.
For me, if something is worth doing, it's worth doing seriously.



I relate to this scene a little too intensely.


Of course, when I actually WAS looking to date casually (I seriously just wanted to try new restaurants and talk to interesting people, which I did.) I found myself another husband.
Oops.

So how did we decide to get married?
It just rapidly became stunningly obvious that we needed to.

We're both pro-marriage people who want to build a family in the same ways.
We share the same values, principles, and almost all of the same priorities.
(He's more into spending money on cars than I am. *eyeroll* Can't win 'em all.)
He gets all of my references: Monty Python, most musical theatre jokes, weird stuff in Latin...

Most of all, I finally understood that line from Wuthering Heights-
"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."




It wasn't so much a decision to get married as it was an obvious necessity given who we are as people.
Honestly it felt like a "well, DUH" moment when I realized that this weird-like-me Philly guy was the one I didn't know I'd been waiting for.
(Ugh, I know, gross again, sorry.)
Unlike many other choices in my life, I didn't draw up a list of pros and cons, I didn't give a weighted point value to practical items that weigh in favor of my long term goals, and I didn't even consider how things would look in pictures first.
(Ok, well, I might have for a second, but you would too if you had the potential for cop/flight attendant engagement photos.)

So here's my point: if you have to weigh the pros and cons about marrying someone, you need to be honest with yourself about why you want to get married.

Is it simply because it's the next "logical" step?
Is it because they check boxes on a list?
Is it because you want the fun and spectacle of a wedding?
Is it because you're at a point in your life where you feel like you "should" be hitting certain goals and you haven't yet?
Is it in spite of fundamental differences that make your life consistently challenging that you're trying to ignore?

If you thought about any of these and then added the phrase "yeah, but..." then I think the situation bears discussion with someone who knows you really well and/or is a professional at helping people work through hard life things. 
If you're a traveler with a weird schedule like me, allow me to recommend BetterHelp or TalkSpace.


There's definitely no "right" timeline for deciding to marry someone.
Some people know after two weeks.
Some people know they're ready after two years of (metaphorically) kicking the tires and working through stuff.
Some people know they DON'T EVER want to get married, and that's ok too!
(As long as they're honest with their potential partners about it.)

That's pretty much what I've got so far.
Check back with me in another few years to see if anything has changed...because goodness knows my thoughts on this topic were VERY different when I was in my early twenties vs. now in my well seasoned late twenties when I am finally so wise.

Matrimony Monday: Wait, I'm Engaged?

The last nine months have been quite the whirlwind. 

At the end of October/ beginning of November, the long term relationship I'd been in ended suddenly and not through my choice- I was blindsided and thoroughly devastated. 

Thanks to some amazingly kind friends in New Jersey and supportive friends and family across the country, I got through the worst of it. I didn't make any big Facebook announcements or put out a press release, because I figured the people who needed to know, knew.

Spoiler alert: Martin and I are now friends. We hang out (sometimes with my fiancé), and share snaps and videos of the dogs, depending on which one of us they're with. He sends me local sour beer tip offs when he's at a brewery and I let him know when I feel like throwing axes at a wall, since that's his side gig.
I get that it seems weird to a lot of people, but a friend summed it up nicely this way: "You're an awesome person and Martin's an awesome person. It makes sense."

But anyway... in the last five years I've gotten pretty good at reassembling my life after it implodes, and by the middle of December I felt ready to gingerly dip my toes back in the dating pool as the last phase of moving on.

After a few dates/interactions (some incredibly boring, some surprisingly interesting, none life changing or truly awful) one morning I swiped right on a cop with an Ivy League degree in Linguistics, whose political leanings lined up with mine, and who advertised himself as having "one dog and two cats, one of whom has zero respect for personal space".

By that evening, we were spending three hours in a car together to get pizza, by the end of that week it was clear this was the start of something big, and by the end of the 2017 my life had done a complete 180. Again. 

Look, within an hour of matching he was sharing interesting facts about the history of the Marsh Arabs with me and we were discussing Calvinism twenty minutes into our first date- how could I do anything but fall in love with him? 

"Well sure, Caroline," I can hear you thinking, "It's fine to fall head over heels, but why on EARTH did you have to agree to MARRY a guy you barely know?"

As frustrating and obnoxious as this answer is, when you know, you just know. 

To be blunt, I've been divorced once. I know what that special type of hell is like, and I'm not excited about the idea of repeating it, but I am SO sure about this man that I'm willing to be open to that possibility.
Yeah, it's scary.

When it became clear that this was going to be a SERIOUS thing so quickly, I turned to my friend Shannon over at Generation grannY  for advice because I knew she'd been through this whirlwind thing with her own husband. Pageant friends are the BEST, you guys, especially when they're brilliant. She's so great. Read her blog.

I could sit here and list a hundred reasons Joel is a phenomenal human being (AND the person I'm excited to be stuck with) but that still wouldn't explain all the ways in which this is sickeningly perfect.
The twinkley schmoop is strong over here, I tell ya.
It's gross.

A few anecdotes:

When he comes home from work he brings me flowers and the groceries he noticed we were almost out of.
This morning he started singing "Give My Regards To Broadway" as he headed out the door to work. (Oh, did I mention he can sing, play a couple of instruments passably, AND JUGGLE?)
No one can leave our house without being given something. Wine, a stack of paper plates, some cheese from Vermont- going to Joel's house is like going to the doctor's office as a kid: you know you're leaving with a prize.

Those are just a few tiny examples, but anyone who's been married knows that the little things truly are the big things. 

(And we're on the same page about the big things too, so that's good.)

So now we're planning a wedding and a couple of wedding celebrations, I have a shiny pink ring, and we're working together to map out our shared future.
For me, part of getting engaged was about being honest with the people in our lives about what we were planning. Sure, we could have waited longer for other people to get used to the idea that we were dating before announcing wedding plans, but that would have been lying by omission.


So that's the deal.
Now I have a new fun fact for every ice breaker game.
"I got engaged to a guy I met on the internet after knowing him for four months."
We have a pretty hilarious website.
We now have a house full of three dogs and two cats.
(We're like the animal Brady Bunch over here.)
We're tying the knot on June 1, 2019 and celebrating in Philly before we head up to Vermont for another party June 22. Invitees get to choose whichever event works best for their schedules - more on THAT decision making process later.
He's a gem.

“Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.” 📷: @jenrice261 😍😆: @ricej259

A post shared by Caroline Bright (@carolinebright) on Jul 17, 2018 at 6:32am PDT

I Am So Into It

The last six months have been aggressive. 

I went on a solo trip to Australia.

I met a great guy and said yes when he asked me to marry him.

We went to Scotland. 

Family members had health crises. 

I visited Cuba for 45 minutes.

I held a line for the first time in three years of flying and got to buddy bid with one of my besties.

I judged Miss Delaware and coordinated the judging for Miss Vermont.
I turned 28.

In the midst of all of this, I've also been falling in love with a handful of products that I've been raving about to people on Facebook and in person. 

So here they are, all in one place:

1. Rothy's Flats

I waited forever to try these flats before pulling the trigger in January and ordering them. Seriously one of the best decisions I've made all year. 

If you've been on the fence about trying them, the link above will give you $20 off (which you should use to buy extra insoles) and you can thank me later. 

Beyond being ridiculously comfortable, the biggest thing for me about these shoes is that they are MACHINE WASHABLE.
I'm not a super germ fearing person, but airplane floors are gross, guys. #itsneverwater
Being able to toss these in the wash and set them out to dry has been a game changer. The insoles are also machine washable, which is great if you're a sock hater like me. 

I now own them in black, light blue, and hot pink. 

Of course I ordered the pink the day it dropped, have you even met me?

2. Ritual Vitamins

Another product I waited forever to try, thinking that anything so hyped in my social media feeds couldn't possibly live up to its claims. Then what really sold me was my girl, Allie Curtis, saying she'd been using them.
Allie is basically a goddess so I gave them a shot.
Have they changed my world? Not yet- but I'm definitely into how pretty they are, how minty they are, that they don't bother my stomach, and since I'm 28 now my doctor thinks a multivitamin is a good idea sooooo.... I'm sticking with them.

3. I accidentally got all into essential oils.

That same doctor who was all "be an adult, vitamins!" also worked out a new plan to manage my seasonal allergies that aren't seasonal because I'm a flight attendant.
 I started diffusing a sinus clearing essential oil blend recently and I've had to grudgingly admit that in addition to smelling pretty, it's been easier to breathe.
It's bad enough that I enjoy patchouli scented things, but now I'm apparently an essential oils person and I'm learning to live with that.

4. Beautycounter Overnight Resurfacing Peel

Look, the ingredients in so many skin care and cosmetic products are absolutely horrifying. In the US, we haven't had a major regulatory overhaul on ingredient standards since the 1930's which means that there's essentially no accountability for the safety of what we put on our body's largest organ everyday.
(Your skin, people.)
Beautycounter is leading the charge to get safer beauty product standards written into law in the United States, which is a big reason that I signed up to be a consultant with the company.
The majority of personal care products are purchased and used by women, which makes the potentially harmful consequences of the questionable ingredients a women's health issue. 
They have an extensive list of ingredients that will never be in Beautycounter products because of the harm that they cause- they call it "The Never List"- and even when I purchase non-Beautycounter personal care products I try to cross reference the ingredients list with The Never List to make informed choices about what I'm putting on, and therefore in, my body.

The biggest reason I hopped on board the Beautycounter train is that the products actually WORK. They're safer, but most importantly to me, they're effective and they do what they say they will.

I was so excited when this peel dropped because now that I'm aging (HELLO AGAIN, LATE TWENTIES), I've been looking for something that would simultaneously get rid of dead skin AND moisturize but that didn't have scary ingredients in it.
My general policy is that if a skincare product isn't safe for a pregnant mom, I should try to avoid it as I would someday like to attempt to be a pregnant mom and it's not easy to get that bad stuff completely out of your system.
I follow the peel with this moisturizer and this eye cream.
Countermatch is a skincare line of miracles. 

5. I started wearing SPF (on more than just my face) every single day.

I am an extremely pale person. There's just no way around it.
My skin color could best be described as "paper" or "blindingly white".


Actual footage of Selena from when we met. 
(JK, but this is what it actually would look like.)

When we lived in Indonesia, my mom basically dipped us in a tub of sunscreen every day and we still managed to burn.
Now that I'm an adult, I've been wearing products with SPF on my face every day for years and I've recently noticed there's a difference in the texture of the skin on my face (that I've paid attention to) and the skin on my neck (which I've ignored).

Accurate depiction of my reaction to my own stupidity.

I realized it was time to wear sunscreen on the skin that I expose consistently to the sun- my neck, chest, the back of my neck, my hands, and arms. 

So far so good this summer- I've been burn free- but only time will tell if this extra effort pays off in the long run. 

Unsurprisingly, I've turned to Beautycounter once again for a daily sunscreen that works, smells good, doesn't make me even whiter, and doesn't hurt the environment. 

Oh, it also comes in a convenient travel size. 

Dry February: 2018

Last year I attempted Dry February and failed delightfully. 

This year, I'm going to give it another shot. 

Heh. Shot.

I've spent essentially the entire month of January without my full voice, sometimes more sick, sometimes less, but after four weeks of this I am SO sick of being sick. 

I finally went in to see the doctor at our company health clinic earlier this week and during the check in process the nurse asked the normal questions before taking my vitals. I gave my standard answers.

"Do you drink coffee or tea?"

Yes, I'm a Flight Attendant. 

"Do you smoke?"

No.

"Do you drink alcohol?"

Yes, I'm a Flight Attendant. 

I often joke about the...intense...relationship that Flight Attendants typically have with alcohol. 

In our industry it's just a known fact that flight crews drink, sometimes to excess. 

I've never really had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, probably because I consistently evaluate my habits when it comes to drinking. I try to be aware of what I'm doing because at the end of the day, alcohol is essentially poison.

Fun, socially acceptable poison, but still. Bad for ya.




At the conclusion of the appointment, the doctor had diagnosed me with "extreme extreme" congestion due to chronic allergies (WHAT?! I've never been a person with allergies in my life. WHO AM I?) and chronic dehydration due to my job ("All of you are dehydrated. All of you.").

While I was relieved to not have a sinus infection that would require antibiotics, I was mildly annoyed to be diagnosed with stuff that will require actual lifestyle changes to remedy.
You mean I have to, like... take care of myself?
And so, Dry February seemed like a thing worth trying again because alcohol is dehydrating and stuff.
Ugh.




I've decided that it's going to be easier this year than it was last year- my life looks very different in February 2018 than it did in February 2017.
98% of those differences are excellent.
2017 ended with some HUGE and painful changes, then suddenly (and possibly miraculously), things got really fantastic just in time for a new year to begin.

This year, I have a real reason to not drink (and no, I AM NOT PREGNANT. Seriously. The weirdest part of being in your late 20's is everyone thinking you're pregnant every time you turn down an alcoholic beverage or gain five pounds.) which is better than last year's vague motivation of "I just want to see if I can."
I'm hopeful that will make the next 28 days easier. Breaking a habit is hard, guys.
Not hard like things that are actually difficult, but not super fun either.

So here we go!

The End of Miss America?

Yesterday, a big story broke that has rocked a community I'm very proud to be a part of. 

The CEO of the Miss America Organization was exposed as having endorsed and/or written offensive and derogatory statements about various Miss Americas. He was suspended and then resigned. 

 More than anything else in this situation, I am fiercely proud of the way current and former titleholders have closed ranks in solidarity with our sisters. 

As I tweeted last night, if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. 

Miss America will survive this as the family that we are.

Here's a link to the details. 

Which brings me to what spurred me to write this post.

This opinion piece in the New York Times. 

Here's the thing. I agree with Jennifer Weiner about a lot of things, generally. I don't disagree with much of what she writes in this piece. My problem with it is that while she might be a self identified "pageant fan",  she obviously does not know my people. 

This crisis is not the end of Miss America. 

I've written before about how much "That Whole Miss America Thing" has meant in my life, but I want to be as clear as possible right now. 

I would not be the person I am today without having been Miss Vermont. I will forever be grateful for and proud of that experience. For. ev. er. 

One thing that really infuriates me about Ms. Weiner's piece is that she has the audacity to tell other women how they're allowed to express their femininity. 

HELL NO. 

I enjoy wearing makeup. I enjoy wearing evening gowns. I LIKE expressing myself in traditionally feminine ways- even if it IS "femininity as spectacle". It's FUN. 

Incidentally, I happen to ADORE drag shows and respect the heck out of those queens too- a lot of pageant girls do. Who do you think is teaching us all of our makeup tricks? 

If you're a woman who DOESN'T enjoy this stuff (have you met my mom? Have you met MOST women from where I'm from?) than that's perfectly fine too! Pageantry isn't mandatory. 

I would NEVER assume that what's right for me is right for all women. 

The other big thing about the piece that really grinds my gears is the idea that this is somehow the "end" of Miss America. 

Maybe it would be if Miss America were "just" a pageant. 

Maybe it would be if an organization devoted to empowering women needed a man to run it. 

Maybe it would be if the grassroots of the organization relied on the people at the top. 

Luckily, none of that is the case. 

Miss America is not about a pageant. 

Miss America is not about one woman who wears a crown. 

Miss America isn't about swimsuits, or spray tans, or teased hair. 

Miss America is about genuine sisterhood. 

Miss America is about a close knit community of people who believe in women and because of that they give and give and give and give. 

Miss America is about empowering women to be themselves on stage and off. 

Look, I'm a liberal Democrat. I attended Liberal Arts colleges. I've taken Gender Studies classes and loved them. I'm an outspoken feminist. 

I get that there are many many complex and problematic elements when it comes to pageantry as a whole and the history of Miss America in particular. I truly understand that. 

At the end of the day, this program is about building women up in a society that is constantly trying to tear them down. 

It's about teaching young women that their voices matter, and teaching them how to speak up with courage and skill. It's about developing relationships with women who will be your "ride or die" friends forever. They'll take you in or rush to your side when they find out you've experienced tragedy. They'll dance with you at your wedding. They'll be your army when you need one at your back. 

I don't know what's coming next for this organization, but I do know that it will be driven by the passion of empowered women. 

The end of Miss America? Oh HELL no. 

Beautycounter: Why I'm In

I am a fairly skeptical person. 

When I was going through sorority recruitment years ago, I was just WAITING for someone to try to haze me because I had heard all the rumors and I was ready to be a whistle blower. 

The hazing never actually happened and I ended up with a group of sisters for life.
Chi O till I die-o. 

I tend to approach situations optimistically, but with my eyes wide open. 

Not everything that glitters is gold, or even a good AB rhinestone. 

So when my pal/hero Kristin Ingram (Miss Virginia 2005) started promoting this company called Beautycounter I was mildly interested (because she IS SO COOL YOU GUYS) but mostly skeptical. 

I assumed that it was like most other sell-from-home makeup/skincare companies: possibly a pyramid scheme, with products that are just OK but definitely not as good as what I could find elsewhere. 

Well. I was wrong. 

I suspended my skepticism long enough to actually have an open mind and learn about the company.

I was impressed by what I heard. 

I heard about a company committed to getting safer, effective, high quality products on the market AND committed to advocating for change in the cosmetics industry.
Beautycounter cosmetics, skin care, and other products are free of 1,500 toxic chemicals that can have an adverse impact on your health. 

Product safety is a women's rights issue. 

Women use the vast majority of personal care products: toiletries, skin care, and cosmetics. 

In the European Union, there are over 1,300 chemicals that have been banned from use in the formulas of personal care products. 

The United States has partially banned only 30 of those harmful and potentially toxic chemicals. 

It is so icky to think about, but everything you put on your skin seeps into your body.

For a while I just chose to ignore this fact. 

Everything causes cancer these days, right? 

But I've reached a point in my life where having kids sometime in the next decade is a tangible concept, and I'd like to do what I can to keep myself healthy for that whole... thing.

You know, possible pregnancy and motherhood. 

(Ick, but like, also babies are cute.)

There's really no rush. Seriously. But still. Eventually.

I've tried a few "clean" or "honest" products here and there, but I'd mostly given up on it because they just weren't quality skincare products. 

They didn't work, or worse, I had an allergic reaction to them. 

So even after I was impressed by everything I learned about Beautycounter as a company, I held off buying anything until I actually tried the products. 

Kristi mailed me some samples and as soon as I put them on my face I knew I was a goner. 

You guys, these products are outstanding.

Seriously, my biggest hangup about using products sold by independent consultants in the past has been the quality and the effectiveness. 

I've tried products in the past that have been just ok, but I could easily get something better at a nearby beauty supply store or in Europe on a layover.

This is different.

The one that really sold me on the whole line is the Cleansing Balm. 

I've used a few fantastic cleansing balms or oil cleansers in the past, but they were either too expensive (think $135 for a single tub) or I just wasn't sure exactly what was in them and that skeeved me out a little bit. 

This balm blew all of them out of the water. (heh)
Figuring (correctly) that it would be a perfect addition to my ten step skin care routine
I tested it by using it to wash my face AFTER I'd already used my normal cleanser, and it removed makeup traces I didn't even know existed. 

My washcloth was covered in grime that I normally would have just LEFT ON MY FACE. 
I was instantly impressed by Beautycounter skin care. Boom. 

So I was all "KRISTI SIGN ME UP FOR EVERYTHING" and then my bank account was like "CALM DOWN AND DO THIS THE SMART WAY".

And so, as of today I can hook you up with outstanding products (that are free of 1,500 harmful chemicals) as a Beautycounter Consultant. 

For those of you keeping score in the back, yes, I now have three jobs AND I help my mom with her businesses AND I do a little bit of volunteer work on the side. Oh, and I cross stitch. And take in special needs dogs. And somehow have a boyfriend who still wants to hang out with me.

Even my side hustles have side hustles. 

#MillennialLife amirite??

But I'm SO impressed by these products and by the mission of this company that I'm willing to make room in my life for this ONE MORE THING. 

So come at me, y'all.

If you've already heard about Beautycounter, maybe through their partnerships with Target, J Crew, or goop, and you've been wondering where to buy Beautycounter products, look no further!

I'm ready to help you get your hands on some outstanding products.
If you're unsure until you try a sample, hit me up and I'll hook you up.
And speaking of hook ups, if you want some free/discounted products there are ways to make that happen too.

Click here to visit the Beautycounter website and get your hand on the products ASAP!

Here we go!

Summer Flying: Tips for Infrequent Flyers

It is the best of times, it is the worst of times: Summer. Flying. 

During the summer months, people tend to go on vacation more. In response to this trend, airlines have more available flights and they often sell tickets at cheaper rates. 

Additionally, more of my coworkers go on vacations as well, leaving their trips to Junior Reserves like me so I end up working my hiney off (while wearing a wool uniform) during the hottest months of the year. The good news is that I get to make more money. The bad news is that I AM VERY TIRED. 

Seriously, Summer Flying has me waking up at 2am for flights some days, 6pm other days, and criss crossing time zones like it's my job. 

But wait. It's literally my job. 

"More people, more problems" is never truer than during June, July, and August, when the temperatures rise and so do the number of people on our aircraft who have no idea how to handle riding on a plane. Couple that with the inevitable summer storms that wreak havoc on base operations for many major airlines, and you've got yourself a perfect storm. (heh)

Summer flyers tend to be less experienced with air travel- maybe you only fly a couple of times a year for that big vacation, and THIS IS IT. 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that! Thank you for buying a plane ticket and helping to keep me employed! I'm really glad you're here. 

HOWEVER. 

There are a few basic things that you can do to maintain your sanity AND help your flight crews love you as you go on your summertime adventures, and luckily for you I'm sharing those tips with you today. 

Five Tips for Infrequent Travelers:

1. Plan for things to go wrong. 

Your flight will get delayed and cause you to miss your connection. There will be no outlets on the plane.  The lines will be long at security, getting food, or for the bathroom. 

One of the worst parts of air travel is that NOTHING is within your control - except how well you prepare for the inevitable. 

Get to the airport at least two hours before your flight.
Carry snacks with you.
Pack whatever items you might need for a surprise overnight in your personal item. Try to avoid checking a bag.
Bring an external battery like this one: iJoy Portable Charger Ultra-Slim 10000mAh Power 10K Power Bank (Green).

I understand how frustrating it is to get trapped or stranded in an airport due to circumstances beyond your control- it has happened to me many many times.
I get how enraging it is to miss out on things at your destination that you were supposed to be participating in.
But please, keep your cool and be polite to the airline employees. 99% of the time what has happened to you is out of their control too. We WANT you to get to your destination. Please be polite and calm, and remember that everyone you're dealing with is just a human being.




2. DO NOT ask your Flight Attendant "What do you have?"

There is a menu in the setback pocket in front of you.
Or just order what you would always order on the ground.
Or order what you really should anyway: water, no ice.
(Or wine. I'm for it.)
Say please when you make your request.
Say thank you when it's handed to you.
It's that simple.





3. DO NOT ask your Flight Attendant for a blanket!

Airplanes are air-conditioned on the ground and it is COLD when we get up to 30,000 feet in the air.
Don't wear a tank top and shorts and then ask me for something to help you stay warm.
No matter the season, dress in layers to fly. I never ever ever fly in shorts or a short skirt because I know I will freeze and practically get hypothermia. Don't dress for the five minute walk from the car to security, dress for the airplane you're going to spend six hours on. Pro tip: keep a handy cotton scarf like this one with you whenever you travel:

4. Download the app for the airline you're flying.

Seriously you guys, the airline I work for has the most useful app.
You can track your bags, monitor gate changes and flight delays, and even pull up maps of various airport terminals so you can figure out how to get from gate A22 to gate F19. It's even free to use with our in flight wifi.
This way you can avoid asking your flight attendants questions like "Am I going to make my connection?" to which our answer (or at least the truthful answer) is ALWAYS "I don't know."
We aren't psychic. We aren't omnipotent. 
Use the app to check you inbound arrival time and the departure time of your connection. Technology is good.

5. Please don't use the bathroom while the seat belt sign is on.

Guys, following lighted and posted signs on an aircraft is literally the law. Additionally, if the seatbelt sign is on it's probably because we've just taken off, we're expecting turbulence, or we're about to land. In all of those circumstances it is REALLY DANGEROUS for you to be out of your seat. 
Go to the bathroom in the terminal before the flight. Use the lavatory when the sign is off, even if it's not a pressing issue.
Don't get out of your seat when the plane is taxiing on the ground. If we're about to take off, you could cost us our place in line for takeoff. If we've just landed you could get seriously injured if we hit a bump or stop suddenly. Just the other day we had almost reached the gate and the pilots had to suddenly hit the brakes hard. All the passengers who had undone their seatbelts smacked their heads on the seat in front of them and felt very foolish.
And on that note, if you see flight attendants sitting in their jumpseats you should most definitely be sitting in your seat.

Let's all fly smart this summer! 

Ten Tips for New Hire Flight Attendants

Last week, my base welcomed our first round of New Hires in almost two years. 

Those of us at the bottom of the seniority ladder are SO EXCITED they're here. 

These new kids improve our chances of holding weekends off, getting trips we want, and they bump us up closer to the mythical "line holder" seniority level we've been dreaming of for two years. 

Ten Tips for New Hire Flight Attendants:

1. Get a distinctive ringtone for Crew Scheduling.

I went with the theme from "Archer" because it always feels like they're sending me on missions. The downside is that I now can't watch Archer without having a mini panic attack when the theme plays. Chose a ringtone or song that you don't mind ruining as an anxiety trigger for the rest of your life.

2. Be physically active.

The thing that surprised me the most when I started this job was just how physical it is. Walking miles dragging bags in high heels, lifting bags, hauling 300lb carts, getting down on the ground to fix things, and more. That activity plus the sheer physical task of traveling all. the. time. makes this job a very physically tasking one.
When you factor in the physical requirements of an emergency situation on top of the day to day haul, you need to be physically fit to do this job well.
Get some cardio in at the hotel gym, eat fruits and vegetables (that have not been fried), and get as much walking in as possible during your layovers.

3. Explore new things during your layovers and in your base.

You need to make sleep a priority, but when you're in a new city you should get out and EXPLORE! My go-to move is getting to the hotel, changing into a weather appropriate outfit, and using Yelp to find a place to get some good food within a mile or two of my hotel. I'll then map walking directions to that food place. Depending on the area, I'll check with the front desk of the hotel to see if the route is safe and walkable, and then I venture out! 

Tip: to look like a local instead of a tourist, pop some headphones in, but keep the volume low enough that you can still clearly hear everything going on around you. 

In your new base, ask co-workers where you should live/eat/play and don't be afraid to use modern technology to help! I picked up a nice young man on my second night in Philly thanks to a popular dating app, and now we've been dating for two years. There are multiple apps to help you make new friends in cities too!

One of my goals for 2017 is to eat Ramen in every city possible.

4. Try to save a little money for the slower months.

During the summer we fly more and therefore make more money. During the winter months there are fewer flights and less money. Plan accordingly.

5. Download your monthly schedules at the end of the month.

For tax purposes, you need to know every single layover you had all year. The simplest way is to just keep track every single month.

6. Always screenshot your pairing/sequence at the start of a trip.

Sometimes Crew Scheduling likes to pull some shady stuff. Make sure you have a record of what you were actually assigned so that you can pay claim/ sort things out.

7. Learn your computer system and your contract inside and out.

Crew Schedulers are human. They make mistakes just like we all do. They'll try to give you trips you're illegal for. They'll try to assign things out of order, simply because they don't know any better.
Be ready to question things respectfully by asking what page of your contract allows what's happening. If something seems incorrect, ask about it! Know how to use your computer system to bid

8. Create a packing system that works for you. 

You will lose your mind and all your stuff if you don't have a place for everything so that you can make sure everything is in it's place before you check out of your hotel room.
I have some suggestions for how to make that happen as a Flight Attendant.

9. Rely on your co-workers and ASK QUESTIONS if you aren't sure about something.

We all remember our first working flight. We all remember what it was like to feel unsure. Ask other flight attendants for help or to explain things to you if you're confused. Whether that's on the aircraft, in the galley, in the crew room, in a briefing, or at home when scheduling assigns you something that doesn't feel right. Use your resources! Reach out to your coworkers on Facebook if you can't find one nearby in person- there are so many people who will help you get this right. Just please don't bring your notes from training on your first flight. You'll look like a dork.

10. You are not alone, this is an overwhelming life change.

Becoming a Flight Attendant isn't just starting a new job. It's starting a new job in a new city, away from your support system at home, in a high pressure environment, where people's lives are in your hands. To top it off, you're never sure where you'll be when and you're constantly in motion. 

Everything feels strange and new and exciting, but it can also produce a lot of anxiety and sadness.

This is a big deal. It can be really hard, but you aren't alone. Every single FA flying has been through what you're going through.
Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends or to senior flight attendants to ask for advice or help.
We want you to succeed and we want you to flourish- we're a family connected by wings. 

A Professional Bridesmaid

For the past decade or so, I've worked events. 

My mom has two inns/event venues in Northern Vermont, in college I worked as an event coordinator for a local gallery, and then there's the constant political/non-profit work... plus, all my friends keep getting married. 

I've been a bridesmaid in a Gatsby Theme wedding in Scotland. 

I've been a bridesmaid in my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend's wedding in Arkansas. 

(Yes, that story is as good as you think it is. The short version is that females are strong as hell.)

I've been a pre-ceremony announcer, an impromptu DJ, a flower girl wrangler, a day-of coordinator, a Bride's Enforcer, and I recently booked my first gig as a wedding officiant. 

Oh, and I even got married that one time too. 

Our dear friends Mark and Marleigh got married last week, and it seemed like a good time to slap a label on what I've been doing casually for a long time: being A Professional Bridesmaid. 

Essentially, I want to offer more broadly what I've been doing for my friends for years- help with wedding planning, resources, and coordination. 

I just think it's the weirdest thing that our wedding culture tells us that when a ring is put on your finger, it instantly imparts all the knowledge necessary to execute a "perfect" wedding day. 

Oh, and that perfect wedding day had better involve a trendy-but-also-timeless wedding color scheme, an open bar, and six creative uses of burlap. 

Photo Credit: Lauren Brimhall Photography

You know what makes a wedding perfect? 

Two people in love get married. 

But it's never that simple, is it? 

Society and family put so much pressure on what you "should" do, on what you're "supposed" to do, that it can often take the joy right out of marrying your person. 

Having help from someone with experience, knowledge, and a practical perspective will save you so much time, stress, and money. 

Photo Credit: Lauren Brimhall Photography

I am not a wedding planner. 

I don't want to design your event for you. I don't want to craft your center pieces. 

I want to empower you to make the best choices for your wedding, to the best choices for your role in someone else's wedding. 

Then on the day of your wedding, I want you to have all the tools to have a joy-filled and minimally stressful experience. 

Whether that means I'm there in person to answer last minute questions from your vendors and your great Aunt Susan, or that means I've made you a phenomenally detailed wedding day timeline, you deserve to be relaxed on the day you commit your life to another human being. 

The packages I've put together start at $15 for some quick answers, and they go all the way up to me putting on a chiffon dress and being in your wedding photos. Whatever you need, friend. 

If you're planning a wedding, if you're about to be a bridesmaid, or if you've got wedding questions, hit me up: caroline@aprofessionalbridesmaid.com 

Tell your friends. 

This is going to be a good time.