What's In A Married Name?

The question of post marriage name changes can be a touchy one.

The social, professional, and political implications and ramifications of WHATEVER name choice you make are complicated and are only exacerbated by the many emotions tied to family names.

I'm not changing my name when Joel and I get married in June, and here's how that happened.

Objectively, I loathe the gender inequality that's been so entrenched in post-marriage name change in American culture (and others) where we all expect that in an opposite sex marriage the woman will take the man's name.
To me it feels too much like the old Coverture Laws that stripped women of their legal status as people.
When a woman married, she no longer had any individual rights- she couldn't own property, sign contracts, or retain wages from work she did, among other things.
When I think about how relatively recently those laws were changed, it makes my skin crawl.
While I genuinely adore the family I'm marrying into (and actually really like the way "Caroline Rice" sounds) I couldn't reconcile the idea of letting part of my identity be subsumed by my husband's- no matter how much I love him and the family his name represents. They have a great family name...it's just not my name.

**I want to be super clear at this point that I absolutely NEVER judge women who DO take their husband/partner's name after marriage- my mom did and as a result I have a last name that I love. Tons of women I respect and adore and admire have taken their husband's last name as their own for any number of reasons and I love it for them.
I'll be the first one to get you a gift monogrammed with your new initials.
You do you, girlfriend!
It just wasn't the right choice for me in this situation.**
#GoodForHerNotForMe

The next logical step was to consider a hyphenated name.
Bright-Rice sounds (to me) like some kind of genetically modified type of grain designed to be a high yield crop. I also don't love how bulky a double barreled last name can be, and how a hyphen can complicate forms and documents. I also considered adding another last name and becoming Caroline Bright Rice or Caroline Rice Bright. Those still felt uncomfortable.

So the solution that I settled on that felt the most fair was to create a hybrid name that Joel and I could both switch to: Brice, or (MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE) Right.
I COULD LITERALLY BE MRS. RIGHT.
The problem with this is that it didn't feel "right" to Joel.
The idea of making up a new last name felt absolutely bizarre to him.
We debated both taking an older family name from his family or from mine. We considered looking through genealogies to see if we might have a name that overlapped in our families somewhere. We literally spent MONTHS discussing options.

But wait, didn't we just consider both keeping our names the way they are?
Well, of course we did.
HOWEVER.

It's no secret that Joel and I want to build a family together after we're married (no matter how we assemble it) and I feel strongly that while our kids are minors, I wanted them to have the same last name that I do.
Countless situations in my life (school registrations, international travel, medical appointments) were simplified because I had the same last name as both of my parents, especially my mom, even after my parents divorced.
In official situations it's easier to get recognized as a family if you all have the same last name- that's how our culture is set up.
I also like the symbolism of being the XYZ Family. For us, marriage is about creating a new family unit, and it was really important to me that a last name reflect that unit status.
Like, REALLY important to me.

Now, in the middle of all of this, I started researching post-marriage name change laws for men in the United States.
In theory, men should have the same post marriage name change process as women if they want to switch things up after they get hitched.
Again, there's a big HOWEVER here.

I discovered that in a lot of states, men are treated unfairly under the law if they want to change their last name upon marriage. They often have to go through a prohibitively expensive court process to make that happen.
That's straight up gender discrimination, y'all.

California's Name Equality Act of 2007  made things fair in California,  but very few states have an equivalent, which blew my mind because solving this is SUCH a simple thing. You just add a spot for "Name after marriage" to a marriage license application, and then the marriage certificate is printed with the full (new) names of both of the spouses on it.
It could be Taylor Smith and Jamie Doe. Taylor Smith-Doe and Jamie Doe. Taylor Smith-Doe and Jamie Smith-Doe. Taylor Smoe and Jamie Smoe.

When I found out that Pennsylvania has no equivalent to California's law, I raced upstairs and told (yelled to) Joel "YOU MAY NOT END UP CHANGING YOUR NAME BUT I AM GOING TO FIX THIS AND MAKE IT FAIR".






So long story short, I did some things and now there's a bill being introduced in the Pennsylvania Legislature to make post marriage name changes fair (and hopefully simple and inexpensive) for everyone regardless of their gender.



The bill won't become a law in time to solve this challenge for us, but it will make things easier for other couples down the road.

So what did we decide to do?
Well, Joel made a choice and I'm getting used to it.

Let me share part of the FAQs page from our wedding website with you:

Yes folks, it's true: Joel will be taking my last name after we get married. 

The most interesting part of this decision for me hasn't been the confused/skeptical reactions (and there have been some- mostly not in front of us, thank goodness) but rather how COMPLETELY WEIRD I actually feel about Joel becoming Joel Rice-Bright legally and Joel Bright socially.

I've been totally shocked by my own discomfort about it- and I'm DEEPLY uncomfortable with what that says about my own internalized misogyny/ the patriarchy.

The more time I spend with the idea of "Caroline and Joel Bright", the more I love it and respect Joel's unexpected decision. I love what it says about his beliefs, his priorities, and what he wants for our future- not to mention how attractive it is that he's that secure in his masculinity.
When a man makes a choice that's committed to moving equality forward in defiance of gender norms?
Oh yes PLEASE.



So that's where we are and what our plan is.
This is what works for us and is in ABSOLUTELY NO WAY any kind of judgement on the choices you might have made or will make someday.
People should be free to make whatever choices they want to- do what works for you!

I Am So Into It

The last six months have been aggressive. 

I went on a solo trip to Australia.

I met a great guy and said yes when he asked me to marry him.

We went to Scotland. 

Family members had health crises. 

I visited Cuba for 45 minutes.

I held a line for the first time in three years of flying and got to buddy bid with one of my besties.

I judged Miss Delaware and coordinated the judging for Miss Vermont.
I turned 28.

In the midst of all of this, I've also been falling in love with a handful of products that I've been raving about to people on Facebook and in person. 

So here they are, all in one place:

1. Rothy's Flats

I waited forever to try these flats before pulling the trigger in January and ordering them. Seriously one of the best decisions I've made all year. 

If you've been on the fence about trying them, the link above will give you $20 off (which you should use to buy extra insoles) and you can thank me later. 

Beyond being ridiculously comfortable, the biggest thing for me about these shoes is that they are MACHINE WASHABLE.
I'm not a super germ fearing person, but airplane floors are gross, guys. #itsneverwater
Being able to toss these in the wash and set them out to dry has been a game changer. The insoles are also machine washable, which is great if you're a sock hater like me. 

I now own them in black, light blue, and hot pink. 

Of course I ordered the pink the day it dropped, have you even met me?

2. Ritual Vitamins

Another product I waited forever to try, thinking that anything so hyped in my social media feeds couldn't possibly live up to its claims. Then what really sold me was my girl, Allie Curtis, saying she'd been using them.
Allie is basically a goddess so I gave them a shot.
Have they changed my world? Not yet- but I'm definitely into how pretty they are, how minty they are, that they don't bother my stomach, and since I'm 28 now my doctor thinks a multivitamin is a good idea sooooo.... I'm sticking with them.

3. I accidentally got all into essential oils.

That same doctor who was all "be an adult, vitamins!" also worked out a new plan to manage my seasonal allergies that aren't seasonal because I'm a flight attendant.
 I started diffusing a sinus clearing essential oil blend recently and I've had to grudgingly admit that in addition to smelling pretty, it's been easier to breathe.
It's bad enough that I enjoy patchouli scented things, but now I'm apparently an essential oils person and I'm learning to live with that.

4. Beautycounter Overnight Resurfacing Peel

Look, the ingredients in so many skin care and cosmetic products are absolutely horrifying. In the US, we haven't had a major regulatory overhaul on ingredient standards since the 1930's which means that there's essentially no accountability for the safety of what we put on our body's largest organ everyday.
(Your skin, people.)
Beautycounter is leading the charge to get safer beauty product standards written into law in the United States, which is a big reason that I signed up to be a consultant with the company.
The majority of personal care products are purchased and used by women, which makes the potentially harmful consequences of the questionable ingredients a women's health issue. 
They have an extensive list of ingredients that will never be in Beautycounter products because of the harm that they cause- they call it "The Never List"- and even when I purchase non-Beautycounter personal care products I try to cross reference the ingredients list with The Never List to make informed choices about what I'm putting on, and therefore in, my body.

The biggest reason I hopped on board the Beautycounter train is that the products actually WORK. They're safer, but most importantly to me, they're effective and they do what they say they will.

I was so excited when this peel dropped because now that I'm aging (HELLO AGAIN, LATE TWENTIES), I've been looking for something that would simultaneously get rid of dead skin AND moisturize but that didn't have scary ingredients in it.
My general policy is that if a skincare product isn't safe for a pregnant mom, I should try to avoid it as I would someday like to attempt to be a pregnant mom and it's not easy to get that bad stuff completely out of your system.
I follow the peel with this moisturizer and this eye cream.
Countermatch is a skincare line of miracles. 

5. I started wearing SPF (on more than just my face) every single day.

I am an extremely pale person. There's just no way around it.
My skin color could best be described as "paper" or "blindingly white".


Actual footage of Selena from when we met. 
(JK, but this is what it actually would look like.)

When we lived in Indonesia, my mom basically dipped us in a tub of sunscreen every day and we still managed to burn.
Now that I'm an adult, I've been wearing products with SPF on my face every day for years and I've recently noticed there's a difference in the texture of the skin on my face (that I've paid attention to) and the skin on my neck (which I've ignored).

Accurate depiction of my reaction to my own stupidity.

I realized it was time to wear sunscreen on the skin that I expose consistently to the sun- my neck, chest, the back of my neck, my hands, and arms. 

So far so good this summer- I've been burn free- but only time will tell if this extra effort pays off in the long run. 

Unsurprisingly, I've turned to Beautycounter once again for a daily sunscreen that works, smells good, doesn't make me even whiter, and doesn't hurt the environment. 

Oh, it also comes in a convenient travel size. 

#MeToo: For The Gentlemen

This post is for the men out there who want to be part of the solution, instead of being part of the problem. 

Every single woman I know has been sexually harassed and/or assaulted.

Every woman I know grips her keys or her phone a little tighter when walking somewhere at night. 

No matter what we wear, what we do, or how we exist in the world, being female automatically makes us targets for harassment and violence. 

The first time I remember being the target of unwanted advances from a male person was when I was nine years old.

(I actually hadn't thought about this incident for YEARS until yesterday when #MeToo started popping up all over social media.)

I was on a camping trip with my mom, grandma, and brother at Acadia National Park in Maine. 

I went to use one of the toilets, and I was harassed by a teenaged boy going in and coming out. 

It's been 18 years since then, so I can't remember exactly what he said to me, but I remember being really creeped out and scared to the point that I wouldn't go back to the spigot near the bathroom to get water for our campsite.  

I felt so....icky. 

The worst part about this story is that it's just not that bad when it comes to the spectrum of abuse that girls and women face every day. 

Some of the women whom I am closest to have experienced far, far, far worse. 

Their stories aren't mine to share, but they are mine to believe. 

Gentlemen, here's where you come in.

Look, we know not all men are rapists, but it is an absolute fact that most rapists are men. 

I am KEENLY aware that men can absolutely be survivors of sexual assault and many have experienced sexual harassment, but this post is directed at men who want to understand how to support the women around them and help end Rape Culture. Harassment and assault are never acceptable, no matter who the target is or who the perpetrators are. Ending the culture of rape will help ALL of us. 

If you're a truly good man, like so many I know, you want to help but you don't know what to do to help combat Rape Culture, so here are my tips for the good guys out there:

1. Believe her.

When a woman in your life shares an experience about harassment or assault with you, believe what she is telling you. 

Believe me when I tell you every. single. woman. has been harassed or assaulted. 

2. Educate yourself.

If, in your head, you quietly think something like "Yeah, but she is really hot, and that guy was just trying to compliment her. She probably secretly liked it." or "I bet she was wearing something that gave him the impression she was interested.", YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

Bro, check yourself.

Take the time to read articles like this one: Men, It's Our Moral Responsibility to Combat Rape Culture

Then spend a few minutes really thinking about it and the implications it has for your life. 

3. Speak up. 

This is probably going to be the hardest step, guys. 

When you're around dudes who make a rape joke, you have a moral imperative to speak up. 

When you see a man harassing a woman on the street ("catcalling"), you have a moral imperative to do something. 

Remaining silent means you agree with what's happening. 

Look, I know it's scary to put yourself out there and say something. Some guys might look at you funny. Some men might make you the butt of a joke. Some dude might even yell at you or threaten you physically. 

But wait.

Those things are what women experience literally just walking down the street every single day. 

Put on your grown up pants and be as brave as ALL of the women in your life are every day. 

So read up and most importantly, speak up. 

You'll make the world a better place for everyone. 

A Professional Bridesmaid

For the past decade or so, I've worked events. 

My mom has two inns/event venues in Northern Vermont, in college I worked as an event coordinator for a local gallery, and then there's the constant political/non-profit work... plus, all my friends keep getting married. 

I've been a bridesmaid in a Gatsby Theme wedding in Scotland. 

I've been a bridesmaid in my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend's wedding in Arkansas. 

(Yes, that story is as good as you think it is. The short version is that females are strong as hell.)

I've been a pre-ceremony announcer, an impromptu DJ, a flower girl wrangler, a day-of coordinator, a Bride's Enforcer, and I recently booked my first gig as a wedding officiant. 

Oh, and I even got married that one time too. 

Our dear friends Mark and Marleigh got married last week, and it seemed like a good time to slap a label on what I've been doing casually for a long time: being A Professional Bridesmaid. 

Essentially, I want to offer more broadly what I've been doing for my friends for years- help with wedding planning, resources, and coordination. 

I just think it's the weirdest thing that our wedding culture tells us that when a ring is put on your finger, it instantly imparts all the knowledge necessary to execute a "perfect" wedding day. 

Oh, and that perfect wedding day had better involve a trendy-but-also-timeless wedding color scheme, an open bar, and six creative uses of burlap. 

Photo Credit: Lauren Brimhall Photography

You know what makes a wedding perfect? 

Two people in love get married. 

But it's never that simple, is it? 

Society and family put so much pressure on what you "should" do, on what you're "supposed" to do, that it can often take the joy right out of marrying your person. 

Having help from someone with experience, knowledge, and a practical perspective will save you so much time, stress, and money. 

Photo Credit: Lauren Brimhall Photography

I am not a wedding planner. 

I don't want to design your event for you. I don't want to craft your center pieces. 

I want to empower you to make the best choices for your wedding, to the best choices for your role in someone else's wedding. 

Then on the day of your wedding, I want you to have all the tools to have a joy-filled and minimally stressful experience. 

Whether that means I'm there in person to answer last minute questions from your vendors and your great Aunt Susan, or that means I've made you a phenomenally detailed wedding day timeline, you deserve to be relaxed on the day you commit your life to another human being. 

The packages I've put together start at $15 for some quick answers, and they go all the way up to me putting on a chiffon dress and being in your wedding photos. Whatever you need, friend. 

If you're planning a wedding, if you're about to be a bridesmaid, or if you've got wedding questions, hit me up: caroline@aprofessionalbridesmaid.com 

Tell your friends. 

This is going to be a good time. 

How to Survive a Bachelorette Party

May is upon us.

The unofficial commencement of Wedding Season has arrived.

Here we go.

Bachelorette (or bashlerette, depending on how far into the festivities you are) parties can be a lot of fun. 

There is also a lot of potential for mayhem and hurt feelings. 

These days, most typical Bachelorette parties involve a few key elements: traveling, alcohol, and raunchy references. 

Maybe you're going to Nashville, like so many women do. Maybe you're going on a local pub crawl. Maybe you're going on a wine tour. Maybe you're throwing a house party. 

No matter where you're going or what you're doing, here are three steps to survive the experience with your friendships and dignity intact.

1. Plan ahead.

Do not wing this.

If you know there will be alcohol consumption, have an ironclad plan for safe transportation. A party bus? Ubers? A designated driver or two? Know exactly who the contact person will be for the party bus. Know exactly who will call the ubers and how many you'll need to call. Make sure everyone has the phone number of your DD and that the non drivers leave their keys wherever you're staying for the night.

If you'll be outside, bring sunscreen. Wear shoes that you can live with.
Personally, because I am someone who wears makeup and likes it, I make sure to put on long lasting everything, especially lipstick like this one in Menace.

Have an emergency kit handy.

Even better, if you're throwing the party, have survival kits ready for your pals.

2. Hydrate.

Whether or not you'll be drinking alcohol at this event, you have GOT to remember to drink water. If you are drinking, it's especially important to hydrate. Alcohol is a diuretic, and it can be so easy to get wrapped up in fun and silliness that you forget that you literally need water to live, not to mention feel like a human being the next morning.  Most bachelorette parties are marathon events- days or hours of non-stop partying. While all of that is going on, make sure you're knocking back a glass of water for every alcoholic beverage you consume, or if you're the sober one, a glass for every couple of hours you're out. 

3. Use Situational Awareness. 

Be aware of what is going on around you AT ALL TIMES.
PAY ATTENTION to the people who are part of your group- do we still have all eight of us together? Did Sarah and Amanda make it back from the bathroom? Is Kate looking a little worse for the wear over there? Everyone is responsible for everyone else. Team Bride, for real.
Also, pay attention to the way your group might be affecting those around you. Are you being inappropriately loud? Are there creepers trying to be skeezy and making lewd comments to the bride?  Be ready to shut down any gross behavior from your friends or from jerks who want to ruin a fun thing. 





Depending on where and when you're partying, you may encounter other bachelorette parties. Remember, this is not a competition. In fact, you're all there to celebrate the same wonderful thing! Someone you love has found the person she loves.
So if they seem cool and it's appropriate, combine forces! Congratulate their bride and wish them all good luck. You're all going through the same rite of passage together.

Say Yes to the [Guest] Dress

I'm in my mid twenties, which means that the weddings on my calendar are starting to reach critical mass. Couple that with helping my mom with her businesses in Vermont, and I have no fewer than SEVEN weddings that I'm either attending or working this summer and fall.

Needless to say, I'm going to need something to wear. 

First, I want to share my rules for wedding guest dressing with you. 

1. This day is not about you.

When you are a wedding guest, you are there to celebrate someone you care about. 

You aren't there to make a fashion statement. 

You aren't there to pull focus from the bride. 

You are there to contribute joy to someone else's special moment in time. 

Don't wear something outrageous just because you're excited for the opportunity to dress up.

Wear something flattering but not ostentatious. 

2. Dress for the location and time of year. 

You'd think this would go without saying, but I can't tell you how many times I've seen women wearing stilettos to an outdoor ceremony, ruining their shoes as they sink into damp grass. 

Or they wear a strapless sundress to an October wedding in New England. 

If it's going to be chilly, wear something with sleeves or bring a wrap. 

If it's going to be warm, don't wear sleeves. 

Use your brain and think these things through, friends. 

3. DO NOT WEAR WHITE OR BLACK.

This is something that fills me with irrational rage. 

The bride is the ONLY person allowed to wear white/cream/offwhite/ champagne etc. at a wedding.

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU IF YOU'RE WEARING WHITE AT SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING?!

If you're considering a floral dress with a white or cream background and you wonder -even if only for a second- if it's too much white, IT IS TOO MUCH WHITE. 

If the bride isn't wearing a white dress, you STILL should NEVER WEAR WHITE to someone else's wedding. 

The one and ONLY exception is when the bride specifically asks you to wear white. 

Like if she's Kate Middleton and you're Pippa. Or if she's Solange Knowles and you're Beyonce. What the bride wants, the bride gets. 

Black is a little different. There are many sources that say you can wear black... I disagree. Wearing black doesn't make you a monster, I just don't understand why you'd want to wear something that has cultural connotations of sadness on a day of joy. If you want to wear a darker color, go with navy. 

It's just my personal opinion that adhering to tradition here is appropriate. 

Again though, if the bride asks you to wear black, you wear black. 

Here are a few options that I'm planning on wearing to wedding festivities over the next few months:

eShakti Quincy Dress in Sunkist Coral

I'm a little bit obsessed with the concept of eShakti. You can customize your dresses in a variety of ways- measurements, sleeve style, neckline, and more. As someone who knows precisely what styles do NOT work for me and my body type, this is such a godsend. I'm currently waiting for this dress to arrive and I'm really really really excited for it to get here. 

eShakti Cotton Knit Maxi Dress

Another eShakti dress that I'm waiting to receive in the mail- I'm so excited for this one! I've been dreaming of finding the perfect sleeved maxi dress for a long time (dream big, right?) and I'm hoping this is the one. This might be too relaxed for some weddings, but it could be perfect for a rehearsal dinner or a more chill reception. That said, it could also be jazzed up with the right shoes and accessories and perfect for a dressier wedding!

Oh, and did I mention that eShakti dresses generally come with at least one pocket by default?

Rent the Runway Alice Dress by Monique Lhuillier

I wore this dress in purple to a fall wedding and I'm leaning towards wearing it in blue to a wedding this spring. 

It has pockets! It has a forgiving design so that you can eat lots of cake! It's warm! 

If you haven't tried Rent the Runway yet, you're missing out. 

You pick a dress (with a backup size), and they mail it to you. After the event you seal it back up in it's shipping bag and send it back. You don't have to worry about tears or stains or getting it dry cleaned. If the dress arrives but doesn't fit, don't worry! Just call RTR and they'll mail you a replacement. 

You can also rent accessories, bags, and other clothes. 

I've been obsessed with RTR for years now because it's so simple and very cost effective if you have a taste for nice fashion. I've rented dresses and accessories for just about every event I've attended in the past six years, and it's worked out beautifully every time. 

One of my favorite things is that when I'm traveling I can have the dresses mailed to where I'm staying, whether that's a hotel or a friend's house. 

Click here to get $30 off your first Rent the Runway rental!

Ten Outstanding Years

Ten years ago, I was a slightly awkward overachieving High School Senior with a love of public speaking and musical theatre. 

A friend of mine suggested I try pageants, and after I was done laughing at the idea I went all in. 

The result was this:

I was crowned Miss Vermont's Outstanding Teen 2007 and I had so much fun that year. 

My year of service taught me so many new skills that a lot of girls take for granted.

How to walk in high heels.

How to use a blow dryer.

How to apply mascara. 

I learned the basics of presenting myself in public, of having a public presence, and I earned scholarships that helped pay for my college expenses. 

I gained sisters. 

Eight months later we would be Chi Omega sisters as well. 

Fun fact: this photo features a future Miss SD, a future Miss KY, and a future Miss MS among others.
We were young. They gave us a limo in Las Vegas. What else would we do?

I met people from all over Vermont. 

I even won an award at Miss America's Outstanding Teen- Non Finalist Interview. 

Most importantly, being Miss VT's OT taught me that I wanted to be Miss Vermont someday and made me ready to take on that job when my time came a few years later. 

Miss Vermont 2007 and Miss Vermont 2010!

I am an enthusiastic proponent of the Miss America's Outstanding Teen program. Over the ten years since I got involved it has changed, grown, and I've watched hundreds of young women benefit from the scholarships and skills they have earned through the national program and programs at the state and local levels. 

Tonight a new Miss Vermont and a new Miss Vermont's Outstanding Teen will join our sisterhood and I can't wait to welcome them both with open arms!

If you have a teen girl at home, I hope you'll consider encouraging her to get involved.  

How To Survive a Bridal Shower

If you are female and someone close to you has gotten married or will be getting married soon, you've been to a bridal shower. 

If, by some miracle, you've managed to avoid attending a standard shower, here's a quick synopsis: women (usually just women) gather, the bride opens gifts that those women have brought for her, games are played, food/cake/drinks are consumed. 

Apparently the tradition dates back to the 15th century in Holland, a fabulous country we now know as the Netherlands.

As the story goes, a woman from a wealthy family wanted to marry a man from a poor family, and her father tried to prevent it by withholding her dowry. 

The woman's friends banded together to "shower" her with gifts so that she would be able to marry the man she loved. 

Here's what I love about this origin story: essentially, a group of Dutch women got together to support another woman and to help empower her to autonomously make her own decisions. #GirlPower #SmashThePatriarchy

Today there are all kinds of showers (men can be showered too!) and all kinds of bridal shower etiquette questions surrounding them. The Emily Post Institute has a quick list of some shower questions and answers that I really like here. 

What it all boils down to for me is one simple question: does every element of the event honor the individuality of the bride? 

A Bridal Shower is about showering someone you care about with affection and joy- if you get so mired down in "tradition" or things that "have" to be done or "should" be done, it's easy to lose sight of that. 

There are a million articles out there on how to throw a bridal shower, but this post is going to focus on how to survive a bridal shower. 

I recently attended two showers in the space of six days and it was a LOT. 

For one wedding I'm reading in the ceremony and essentially day-of coordinating, and for the other I'm a bridesmaid.



The brides are also in each other's weddings and both showers were complete surprises for the honorees, so it was pretty delightful to watch them be surprised and showered with love. 

Here are my top tips on how to survive your next Bridal Shower:

For the Guest:

1. If there is wine, drink it.

2. Choose a gift that you've found particularly useful and write about that in the card. If you want to make a gift, make sure that it's very personalized and nicely presented. If you're unsure about what to bring, stick to the registry or ask the host.

3. If you feel awkward because you don't know many other shower attendees, revert to the one topic of conversation you definitely have in common: the couple getting married. Participate in the events and games with patience- sometimes these things drag a bit. Roll with it and eat some cake.

For the Bridesmaid:

1. If there is wine, drink it.

2. Follow the lead of the MOH or main host of the shower, but don't be afraid to step up if you see something that needs fixing. Be proactive. Ask for specific tasks. Is someone already writing down who gave which gift? Is someone collecting the bows from the gifts for later use? Do they need help breaking down after the shower is over? During the planning process, help guide the host to focus on things that the bride will actually like. Does she hate surprises? Make sure she isn't caught off guard.

3. Remember that this event, as with all wedding events, is not your time to be the center of attention. It it your time to vie for a "best supporting friend" award. Look at this as practice for the wedding day: your job is to focus on the bride.  Don't wear white or cream or something outrageous. Remember why you're there: someone you love is getting married.
If you can't set aside your need to be the center of attention maybe you shouldn't be in the wedding party at all. 

For the Bride:

1. If there is wine, drink it.

2. As you open your gifts, remember that each of them was chosen with love. Smile and be so grateful for everything, even if you *know* you're never going to use Aunt Suzie's gravy boat. Find something to genuinely compliment about each gift

3. Bask in the love you're being showered with. Maybe you love being the center of attention, maybe you don't. Regardless, focus on the fact that these people love you and want to share in your joy.

Leggings on Planes: A Flight Attendant's Perspective

Over the past few days we've all seen this story blowing up all over the internet. 

Girls boarding a plane in Denver were asked to change their clothes at the discretion of a Gate Agent who felt that leggings didn't fit the parameters for appropriate attire. 

Well. I have some thoughts on the issue. 

In this particular situation, the girls were "pass riders" or as we call them where I'm from, "non-revs". They were flying using the work benefits of a family member or a friend who works for the airline. Non-revs have specific attire requirements that they have to comply with in order to utilize their flight privileges. 

Non-revs need to follow the parameters outlined by the airline they're benefitting from. That's totally fair.

HOWEVER. 

This conversation is about more than just leggings on planes. 

It's about how we view female bodies as sexual objects. 

It's also about how we, as a society, determine what is or is not "appropriate". 

Here's what it boils down to for me:

1. The clothing you choose to wear sends a message to the people around you about who you are. 

If you've paid for your ticket on a plane you can send whatever message you want to because you're only representing yourself. 

If you're traveling for business or in another specific capacity you might need to dress differently. 

When I put on clothes to leave the house, I am making a conscious choice about how I want to be perceived that day. 

Generally, I want people to glance my way and assume I'm a competent and polished person. I wear makeup. I comb my hair. My clothing style is mostly classic and sometimes kind of androgynous. It could most kindly be called "High WASP via Vermont".

People will always misunderstand you. There will always be people who misinterpret what you say or what you write, or how you present yourself in public. It's up to you to determine how that's going to affect what you do. 

2. All leggings are not the same. 

There are athletic leggings, casual cotton leggings, printed fashion leggings, and then there are tights, which are NOT leggings. 

I have no problem with leggings being worn as pants as long as they are completely opaque. I'm also aware that there are some people who don't feel the same way and when I leave the house wearing leggings as pants, I might encounter pushback. 

That might mean judgmental looks, or that might mean having a discussion about the validity of leggings as appropriate attire for non-revving. 

I don't believe that see-through clothing is ever appropriate on an airplane. 

I don't care who you are, I don't care what you're doing, an airplane is not the place to be provocative or push buttons. It's a place to be polite and to focus on safety. 

If it would have more than a PG rating in a movie theatre, it doesn't belong on a plane. 

I once had a situation where a passenger was wearing a shirt with a certain curse word all over it, and I had to work with the Gate Agent and the Captain to have her change into something that wasn't R rated. I wasn't personally offended by her shirt, but as a Flight Attendant it's my job to help make sure that passengers on my plane are treated with respect by the crew and also by their fellow passengers.  By wearing something so decidedly provocative in a public space, the woman who needed to change was not being respectful toward the people around her.

It's especially important to be courteous to those around you in public when you're on an airplane because it's a high stress situation for many people. 

When you're not on a plane, wear whatever you want to, friend. You do you. Just be aware of the message that you're sending. 

3. This topic is tricky because of how our society treats women as sexual objects. 

Objectification is simple: it's treating a person as a thing rather than as a human being. 

Sexual objectification is a huge and grossly complex issue that I don't really want to dive too deeply into, because I do not have a degree in Gender Studies or Psychology. 

I will say though, I am so sick of people debating whether or not it's appropriate for women to wear leggings in public because of the effect that leggings might have on men. 

Dudes, get ahold of yourselves. Your self control is not my responsibility. 

In the meantime, ladies, wear those leggings in whatever way you are most comfortable. Rock your outfits while flying. 

But whatever you wear, please keep consideration and respect in mind when you're deciding what to wear in public, especially on an airplane. 

Red Lipstick Resistance

It's no secret that I'm a pretty political person. 

But the truth is that I kind of hate politics.

I don't like playing games. 

I want to find straightforward solutions to problems so that we can help people. 

But I've learned over the past 16 years of my involvement in politics that problem solving isn't always as simple as we'd like it to be. 

Real and lasting change is complicated and it takes time. 

Real change is never simple, and it's never easy. 

You also probably know that I'm an outspoken feminist. I mean, it's literally in all of my social media profiles. 

I don't pretend to be an expert on every issue, but the question of gender equality and fairness is the cause that has set my heart on fire for my entire life.

I wrote my first letter to the editor of our local paper when I was ten years old, complaining about sexism and gender stereotypes in a column. 

My mom didn't coach me to do it. 

(Frankly, she's still a little baffled as to how she managed to produce me.)

She just gave me the tools to express the outrage that I felt, which involved a handwritten letter faxed in to our local newspaper.

For me, feminism and femininity go together like wine and ice cream.

I love them both and they make my life better when I embrace them responsibly.

The "classic Flight Attendant" look is hyper feminine, and of course involves those signature red lips. 

I've been into bold lipstick for as long as I've been seriously into makeup. 

I won Miss Vermont in a bright red dress with bright red lips. 

Bold lipstick has been my signature move for my entire adult life. 

Today is the International Women's Strike/ A Day Without A Woman.

I already have the day off from my paid job, but I'm also going to be spending the day striking from as much unpaid work as possible. For example, I'm going to let my boyfriend lean in and take care of the dishes and cleaning the kitchen, but I'm still going to take care of the puppy while he's at work. She's a living baby creature who needs care. I can't strike from THAT. 

As a union member, I proud of the connections that today has to the labor movement. 

For information about how you can help with causes centering around organized labor today, visit this website. 

My favorite thing I'll be doing today is wearing red lipstick.

A lot of people struggle with the idea that this symbol of femininity has feminist origins, but it sure DOES. 

It's also been a way that strong women express their bold power throughout modern history. 

This piece from Public Radio International is a great little intro on red lipstick as a feminist statement. 

A quick synopsis:

Suffragettes defiantly wore red lipstick when they marched in the streets for the right to vote.

Rosie the Riveter wore red lipstick when she built our way to allied victory during WWII.

Hitler hated women wearing lipstick. 

So fight back against misogyny, sexism, and Hitler, everybody. 

Wear red in whatever form makes your heart glad, and stand in solidarity for equality. 

Resist. 

Dry February: So Over It

I hated Dry February.

I hated it for the same reason I would hate cutting ANYTHING completely out of my diet: it sucks.

I didn't have an iron clad reason to stop drinking- I wasn't concerned that I might be facing addiction, I hadn't developed any new allergies or health complications... I mostly just wanted to see if I could do it.

I did not last the full month.

On February 17th I went to a brewery with my boyfriend and some friends, and I really wanted to try his weird beer (it tasted like kielbasa, but in a good way), so I did. 

Then I asked my friends if failing at Dry February would make for a better blog post, and when they agreed that it would, I sampled a flight (which amounted to about a drink and a half).

Wearing flannel while sipping beer at a microbrewery. WHAT AM I?

It tastes like sausage....... and that's a good thing??

I didn't have a beer because I felt like I needed to, I had a drink because I wanted to. 

I like drinking different drinks, not because of the affects of alcohol, but because the flavors are interesting and because I might be a closeted hipster. 

(I do wear a lot of flannel and very tight pants.)

After that, I was pretty much back on the wagon until almost-disaster struck.

I abstained for another week or so before I had a very exciting day at work that left me REALLY WANTING a glass of wine.

I can't go into the details, but for all you cabin crew people reading this, just know that my training kicked right in and no one had ANYTHING on their laps for that landing. 

A Flight Attendant's worst day of work if often pretty traumatizing. We were very lucky and everything ended up being totally fine. 

So when I finally got home, I had some wine and declared my Dry February experiment over. 

Here's my conclusion:

I don't want to completely eliminate anything that I enjoy from my life. 

Whether it's alcohol, ice cream, or anything else delicious, it's best in moderation. 

It's a good idea to pay attention to your consumption of ANYTHING and to be aware of what you're putting into your body. 

Depriving yourself of things you enjoy just isn't worth it, but do be honest with yourself about what you actually enjoy.

Are you drinking champagne because you genuinely like it, or are you drinking it to fit in when you'd rather have ginger ale in your glass?  Don't just do it for the insta.

Friend, go have the bartender fill your glass with whatever floats your boat.

(As long as you're of legal age and someone else is driving.)

I like champagne. I like vegetables. I like licorice. I have a passionate love affair with French Fries.

Some of that is cool. Some of that isn't. 

But I'm going to keep on enjoying the things that I like because I like them. 

You. Do. You.