Matrimony Monday: Coordinator Query

Recently, one of my best friends got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid.

I am so thrilled for her and SO honored to be included, but most of all I'm excited to support her adventures in wedding planning. 

Since she's very kindly letting me chill as *just* a bridesmaid (rather than a professional one, but let's be honest...will I still have a clipboard in my tote bag? Maybe.) I'm going to get to enjoy her wedding week a little bit more than I might otherwise.

But the other night she posed a very good question about wedding management:

"The ceremony location has a venue coordinator and the reception venue has an AMAZINGLY detail oriented coordinator. Do I still need a Day-Of Wedding Coordinator?"

I get this ALL the time and it's a completely legitimate question. 

Weddings are expensive, so why spend more money on YET ANOTHER vendor who seems to be redundant? 

Here's why: you need someone to be your brain on your wedding day so that you can experience it with your heart. 

A wedding manager is your wedding day advocate and proxy. 

("Wedding manager" is so much more accurate than "wedding coordinator", which we still often use so that people might know what we're talking about.)

She/he will make sure that everything you've worked on for months or years is executed as perfectly as possible, so that you can focus on marrying the love of your life rather than on worrying about flower deliveries or making sure that table numbers are on the correct tables. 

Venue coordinators work for the venue. 

Of course they want to keep you happy, but ultimately their top priority is advocating for the interests of their employer: the venue. 

Trust me, my mom has two wedding venues. Working a wedding FOR her is very different than working a wedding with her. 

So yes, Virginia, you do need a wedding manager who will advocate for you and for your vision on the day of your wedding. That way you can relax and actually ENJOY one of the most important days of your life, just as you should. 

Matrimony Monday: Wait, I'm Engaged?

The last nine months have been quite the whirlwind. 

At the end of October/ beginning of November, the long term relationship I'd been in ended suddenly and not through my choice- I was blindsided and thoroughly devastated. 

Thanks to some amazingly kind friends in New Jersey and supportive friends and family across the country, I got through the worst of it. I didn't make any big Facebook announcements or put out a press release, because I figured the people who needed to know, knew.

Spoiler alert: Martin and I are now friends. We hang out (sometimes with my fiancé), and share snaps and videos of the dogs, depending on which one of us they're with. He sends me local sour beer tip offs when he's at a brewery and I let him know when I feel like throwing axes at a wall, since that's his side gig.
I get that it seems weird to a lot of people, but a friend summed it up nicely this way: "You're an awesome person and Martin's an awesome person. It makes sense."

But anyway... in the last five years I've gotten pretty good at reassembling my life after it implodes, and by the middle of December I felt ready to gingerly dip my toes back in the dating pool as the last phase of moving on.

After a few dates/interactions (some incredibly boring, some surprisingly interesting, none life changing or truly awful) one morning I swiped right on a cop with an Ivy League degree in Linguistics, whose political leanings lined up with mine, and who advertised himself as having "one dog and two cats, one of whom has zero respect for personal space".

By that evening, we were spending three hours in a car together to get pizza, by the end of that week it was clear this was the start of something big, and by the end of the 2017 my life had done a complete 180. Again. 

Look, within an hour of matching he was sharing interesting facts about the history of the Marsh Arabs with me and we were discussing Calvinism twenty minutes into our first date- how could I do anything but fall in love with him? 

"Well sure, Caroline," I can hear you thinking, "It's fine to fall head over heels, but why on EARTH did you have to agree to MARRY a guy you barely know?"

As frustrating and obnoxious as this answer is, when you know, you just know. 

To be blunt, I've been divorced once. I know what that special type of hell is like, and I'm not excited about the idea of repeating it, but I am SO sure about this man that I'm willing to be open to that possibility.
Yeah, it's scary.

When it became clear that this was going to be a SERIOUS thing so quickly, I turned to my friend Shannon over at Generation grannY  for advice because I knew she'd been through this whirlwind thing with her own husband. Pageant friends are the BEST, you guys, especially when they're brilliant. She's so great. Read her blog.

I could sit here and list a hundred reasons Joel is a phenomenal human being (AND the person I'm excited to be stuck with) but that still wouldn't explain all the ways in which this is sickeningly perfect.
The twinkley schmoop is strong over here, I tell ya.
It's gross.

A few anecdotes:

When he comes home from work he brings me flowers and the groceries he noticed we were almost out of.
This morning he started singing "Give My Regards To Broadway" as he headed out the door to work. (Oh, did I mention he can sing, play a couple of instruments passably, AND JUGGLE?)
No one can leave our house without being given something. Wine, a stack of paper plates, some cheese from Vermont- going to Joel's house is like going to the doctor's office as a kid: you know you're leaving with a prize.

Those are just a few tiny examples, but anyone who's been married knows that the little things truly are the big things. 

(And we're on the same page about the big things too, so that's good.)

So now we're planning a wedding and a couple of wedding celebrations, I have a shiny pink ring, and we're working together to map out our shared future.
For me, part of getting engaged was about being honest with the people in our lives about what we were planning. Sure, we could have waited longer for other people to get used to the idea that we were dating before announcing wedding plans, but that would have been lying by omission.


So that's the deal.
Now I have a new fun fact for every ice breaker game.
"I got engaged to a guy I met on the internet after knowing him for four months."
We have a pretty hilarious website.
We now have a house full of three dogs and two cats.
(We're like the animal Brady Bunch over here.)
We're tying the knot on June 1, 2019 and celebrating in Philly before we head up to Vermont for another party June 22. Invitees get to choose whichever event works best for their schedules - more on THAT decision making process later.
He's a gem.

“Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.” 📷: @jenrice261 😍😆: @ricej259

A post shared by Caroline Bright (@carolinebright) on Jul 17, 2018 at 6:32am PDT

But You're Supposed To...

When it comes to wedding planning, one of the things that I am most frustrated by is that so many people have opinions about what you're "supposed" to do. 

You're supposed to wear a white dress, it's traditional.

You're supposed to serve alcohol, otherwise no one will have fun.

You're supposed to invite your parent's neighbor's niece, because she invited your parents to HER wedding. 

You're supposed to have dancing. 

You're supposed to have a cake.

You're supposed to have the kind of ceremony that everyone expects you to.

And on and on and on. 

If you've ever planned a wedding, you know how easy it can be to become overwhelmed by the expectations that other people have for your wedding. 

Too often it seems like weddings become about everyone EXCEPT the bride and groom. 

It becomes more about the party right now and less about the joining of two lives for always. 

Today I want to let you know that it's ok to make your wedding as weird, as wacky, or as basic as you want to. 

If there's something you hate, don't do it. 

If there's a "tradition" that doesn't feel right, tweak it or get rid of it. 

If you want to break every rule in the book, go for it. 

This is YOUR wedding.

No matter WHAT choices you make in life, you're always going to have people who are going to be critical of them.
You can't please everyone, and some people are just impossible to please, so go ahead and stick to your guns!

That said, you need to be aware that your choices have consequences. 

When you're making your unusual choices, keep in mind the manifesto of the Awesome Etiquette podcast from The Emily Post Institute: focus on the principles of consideration, respect, and honesty.

Great-Aunt Mildred might be hurt if you abruptly refuse to wear the family wedding veil, so break it to her kindly and explain your choice to her respectfully.
Your dad will probably be disappointed if you tell him you'd rather walk down the aisle alone, so be honest with him and considerate when you talk to him about it.
You're going to have to be ok with hurting a few feelings, but make sure you're polite about it.


If you need validation or a professional opinion, you can hit me up via A Professional Bridesmaid.

How to Give the Best Wedding Speech

All wedding speeches/toasts fall into one of these categories:

1. Hot mess.

The speech giver decided to wing it, downed a few shots, and/or it's unbearably raunchy.

Please let this end.

2. Boring.

Cliche. Blah. Cringe. Is he still talking?

3. Thank goodness that's over.

"Well, at least she tried."

4. Delightful.

Short, sweet, heartfelt, effective.

5. Brilliant.

"VIRAL YOUTUBE STATUS ALERT"

Public speaking freaks people out, so it's understandable that sometimes people fall into one (or more) of the first three categories. 

You want your toast to be a four or a five, so let's make it happen.

Look, the reality is that not all of us can or should deliver a speech in the form of a rap, or a Disney song medley, so here's a basic formula for a speech that will take you from a 1 to at least a 4. 

(For the purposes of this example, let's assume you're making a speech on behalf of a bride.)

A Formula for a Solid Wedding Speech:

Introduce yourself and your role at the wedding.

+

Explain how you met the bride as briefly as possible.

+

Share a quick anecdote that showcases an excellent part of the bride's personality.

+

Share how the bride's new spouse brings that excellent thing out in her.

+ 

Share a story of the two of them together that exemplifies why they're a great fit as a couple.

+ 

If appropriate, add a quote or traditional proverb.

+

Finish strong with something simple like "To the happy couple!" 

Obviously if you're an experienced pro, add in some jokes (as long as they're rated G) and references to things the couple loves. Personalize it. 

Most importantly: write a speech that is focused on the couple you're celebrating. 

This is their day to shine together.

Have questions? Feel like you need some coaching on speech content or delivery? 

Hit me up, y'all. 

I'm a Professional Bridesmaid. 

caroline@aprofessionalbridesmaid.com

A Professional Bridesmaid

For the past decade or so, I've worked events. 

My mom has two inns/event venues in Northern Vermont, in college I worked as an event coordinator for a local gallery, and then there's the constant political/non-profit work... plus, all my friends keep getting married. 

I've been a bridesmaid in a Gatsby Theme wedding in Scotland. 

I've been a bridesmaid in my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend's wedding in Arkansas. 

(Yes, that story is as good as you think it is. The short version is that females are strong as hell.)

I've been a pre-ceremony announcer, an impromptu DJ, a flower girl wrangler, a day-of coordinator, a Bride's Enforcer, and I recently booked my first gig as a wedding officiant. 

Oh, and I even got married that one time too. 

Our dear friends Mark and Marleigh got married last week, and it seemed like a good time to slap a label on what I've been doing casually for a long time: being A Professional Bridesmaid. 

Essentially, I want to offer more broadly what I've been doing for my friends for years- help with wedding planning, resources, and coordination. 

I just think it's the weirdest thing that our wedding culture tells us that when a ring is put on your finger, it instantly imparts all the knowledge necessary to execute a "perfect" wedding day. 

Oh, and that perfect wedding day had better involve a trendy-but-also-timeless wedding color scheme, an open bar, and six creative uses of burlap. 

Photo Credit: Lauren Brimhall Photography

You know what makes a wedding perfect? 

Two people in love get married. 

But it's never that simple, is it? 

Society and family put so much pressure on what you "should" do, on what you're "supposed" to do, that it can often take the joy right out of marrying your person. 

Having help from someone with experience, knowledge, and a practical perspective will save you so much time, stress, and money. 

Photo Credit: Lauren Brimhall Photography

I am not a wedding planner. 

I don't want to design your event for you. I don't want to craft your center pieces. 

I want to empower you to make the best choices for your wedding, to the best choices for your role in someone else's wedding. 

Then on the day of your wedding, I want you to have all the tools to have a joy-filled and minimally stressful experience. 

Whether that means I'm there in person to answer last minute questions from your vendors and your great Aunt Susan, or that means I've made you a phenomenally detailed wedding day timeline, you deserve to be relaxed on the day you commit your life to another human being. 

The packages I've put together start at $15 for some quick answers, and they go all the way up to me putting on a chiffon dress and being in your wedding photos. Whatever you need, friend. 

If you're planning a wedding, if you're about to be a bridesmaid, or if you've got wedding questions, hit me up: caroline@aprofessionalbridesmaid.com 

Tell your friends. 

This is going to be a good time. 

How to Survive a Bachelorette Party

May is upon us.

The unofficial commencement of Wedding Season has arrived.

Here we go.

Bachelorette (or bashlerette, depending on how far into the festivities you are) parties can be a lot of fun. 

There is also a lot of potential for mayhem and hurt feelings. 

These days, most typical Bachelorette parties involve a few key elements: traveling, alcohol, and raunchy references. 

Maybe you're going to Nashville, like so many women do. Maybe you're going on a local pub crawl. Maybe you're going on a wine tour. Maybe you're throwing a house party. 

No matter where you're going or what you're doing, here are three steps to survive the experience with your friendships and dignity intact.

1. Plan ahead.

Do not wing this.

If you know there will be alcohol consumption, have an ironclad plan for safe transportation. A party bus? Ubers? A designated driver or two? Know exactly who the contact person will be for the party bus. Know exactly who will call the ubers and how many you'll need to call. Make sure everyone has the phone number of your DD and that the non drivers leave their keys wherever you're staying for the night.

If you'll be outside, bring sunscreen. Wear shoes that you can live with.
Personally, because I am someone who wears makeup and likes it, I make sure to put on long lasting everything, especially lipstick like this one in Menace.

Have an emergency kit handy.

Even better, if you're throwing the party, have survival kits ready for your pals.

2. Hydrate.

Whether or not you'll be drinking alcohol at this event, you have GOT to remember to drink water. If you are drinking, it's especially important to hydrate. Alcohol is a diuretic, and it can be so easy to get wrapped up in fun and silliness that you forget that you literally need water to live, not to mention feel like a human being the next morning.  Most bachelorette parties are marathon events- days or hours of non-stop partying. While all of that is going on, make sure you're knocking back a glass of water for every alcoholic beverage you consume, or if you're the sober one, a glass for every couple of hours you're out. 

3. Use Situational Awareness. 

Be aware of what is going on around you AT ALL TIMES.
PAY ATTENTION to the people who are part of your group- do we still have all eight of us together? Did Sarah and Amanda make it back from the bathroom? Is Kate looking a little worse for the wear over there? Everyone is responsible for everyone else. Team Bride, for real.
Also, pay attention to the way your group might be affecting those around you. Are you being inappropriately loud? Are there creepers trying to be skeezy and making lewd comments to the bride?  Be ready to shut down any gross behavior from your friends or from jerks who want to ruin a fun thing. 





Depending on where and when you're partying, you may encounter other bachelorette parties. Remember, this is not a competition. In fact, you're all there to celebrate the same wonderful thing! Someone you love has found the person she loves.
So if they seem cool and it's appropriate, combine forces! Congratulate their bride and wish them all good luck. You're all going through the same rite of passage together.

Say Yes to the [Guest] Dress

I'm in my mid twenties, which means that the weddings on my calendar are starting to reach critical mass. Couple that with helping my mom with her businesses in Vermont, and I have no fewer than SEVEN weddings that I'm either attending or working this summer and fall.

Needless to say, I'm going to need something to wear. 

First, I want to share my rules for wedding guest dressing with you. 

1. This day is not about you.

When you are a wedding guest, you are there to celebrate someone you care about. 

You aren't there to make a fashion statement. 

You aren't there to pull focus from the bride. 

You are there to contribute joy to someone else's special moment in time. 

Don't wear something outrageous just because you're excited for the opportunity to dress up.

Wear something flattering but not ostentatious. 

2. Dress for the location and time of year. 

You'd think this would go without saying, but I can't tell you how many times I've seen women wearing stilettos to an outdoor ceremony, ruining their shoes as they sink into damp grass. 

Or they wear a strapless sundress to an October wedding in New England. 

If it's going to be chilly, wear something with sleeves or bring a wrap. 

If it's going to be warm, don't wear sleeves. 

Use your brain and think these things through, friends. 

3. DO NOT WEAR WHITE OR BLACK.

This is something that fills me with irrational rage. 

The bride is the ONLY person allowed to wear white/cream/offwhite/ champagne etc. at a wedding.

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU IF YOU'RE WEARING WHITE AT SOMEONE ELSE'S WEDDING?!

If you're considering a floral dress with a white or cream background and you wonder -even if only for a second- if it's too much white, IT IS TOO MUCH WHITE. 

If the bride isn't wearing a white dress, you STILL should NEVER WEAR WHITE to someone else's wedding. 

The one and ONLY exception is when the bride specifically asks you to wear white. 

Like if she's Kate Middleton and you're Pippa. Or if she's Solange Knowles and you're Beyonce. What the bride wants, the bride gets. 

Black is a little different. There are many sources that say you can wear black... I disagree. Wearing black doesn't make you a monster, I just don't understand why you'd want to wear something that has cultural connotations of sadness on a day of joy. If you want to wear a darker color, go with navy. 

It's just my personal opinion that adhering to tradition here is appropriate. 

Again though, if the bride asks you to wear black, you wear black. 

Here are a few options that I'm planning on wearing to wedding festivities over the next few months:

eShakti Quincy Dress in Sunkist Coral

I'm a little bit obsessed with the concept of eShakti. You can customize your dresses in a variety of ways- measurements, sleeve style, neckline, and more. As someone who knows precisely what styles do NOT work for me and my body type, this is such a godsend. I'm currently waiting for this dress to arrive and I'm really really really excited for it to get here. 

eShakti Cotton Knit Maxi Dress

Another eShakti dress that I'm waiting to receive in the mail- I'm so excited for this one! I've been dreaming of finding the perfect sleeved maxi dress for a long time (dream big, right?) and I'm hoping this is the one. This might be too relaxed for some weddings, but it could be perfect for a rehearsal dinner or a more chill reception. That said, it could also be jazzed up with the right shoes and accessories and perfect for a dressier wedding!

Oh, and did I mention that eShakti dresses generally come with at least one pocket by default?

Rent the Runway Alice Dress by Monique Lhuillier

I wore this dress in purple to a fall wedding and I'm leaning towards wearing it in blue to a wedding this spring. 

It has pockets! It has a forgiving design so that you can eat lots of cake! It's warm! 

If you haven't tried Rent the Runway yet, you're missing out. 

You pick a dress (with a backup size), and they mail it to you. After the event you seal it back up in it's shipping bag and send it back. You don't have to worry about tears or stains or getting it dry cleaned. If the dress arrives but doesn't fit, don't worry! Just call RTR and they'll mail you a replacement. 

You can also rent accessories, bags, and other clothes. 

I've been obsessed with RTR for years now because it's so simple and very cost effective if you have a taste for nice fashion. I've rented dresses and accessories for just about every event I've attended in the past six years, and it's worked out beautifully every time. 

One of my favorite things is that when I'm traveling I can have the dresses mailed to where I'm staying, whether that's a hotel or a friend's house. 

Click here to get $30 off your first Rent the Runway rental!

How To Survive a Bridal Shower

If you are female and someone close to you has gotten married or will be getting married soon, you've been to a bridal shower. 

If, by some miracle, you've managed to avoid attending a standard shower, here's a quick synopsis: women (usually just women) gather, the bride opens gifts that those women have brought for her, games are played, food/cake/drinks are consumed. 

Apparently the tradition dates back to the 15th century in Holland, a fabulous country we now know as the Netherlands.

As the story goes, a woman from a wealthy family wanted to marry a man from a poor family, and her father tried to prevent it by withholding her dowry. 

The woman's friends banded together to "shower" her with gifts so that she would be able to marry the man she loved. 

Here's what I love about this origin story: essentially, a group of Dutch women got together to support another woman and to help empower her to autonomously make her own decisions. #GirlPower #SmashThePatriarchy

Today there are all kinds of showers (men can be showered too!) and all kinds of bridal shower etiquette questions surrounding them. The Emily Post Institute has a quick list of some shower questions and answers that I really like here. 

What it all boils down to for me is one simple question: does every element of the event honor the individuality of the bride? 

A Bridal Shower is about showering someone you care about with affection and joy- if you get so mired down in "tradition" or things that "have" to be done or "should" be done, it's easy to lose sight of that. 

There are a million articles out there on how to throw a bridal shower, but this post is going to focus on how to survive a bridal shower. 

I recently attended two showers in the space of six days and it was a LOT. 

For one wedding I'm reading in the ceremony and essentially day-of coordinating, and for the other I'm a bridesmaid.



The brides are also in each other's weddings and both showers were complete surprises for the honorees, so it was pretty delightful to watch them be surprised and showered with love. 

Here are my top tips on how to survive your next Bridal Shower:

For the Guest:

1. If there is wine, drink it.

2. Choose a gift that you've found particularly useful and write about that in the card. If you want to make a gift, make sure that it's very personalized and nicely presented. If you're unsure about what to bring, stick to the registry or ask the host.

3. If you feel awkward because you don't know many other shower attendees, revert to the one topic of conversation you definitely have in common: the couple getting married. Participate in the events and games with patience- sometimes these things drag a bit. Roll with it and eat some cake.

For the Bridesmaid:

1. If there is wine, drink it.

2. Follow the lead of the MOH or main host of the shower, but don't be afraid to step up if you see something that needs fixing. Be proactive. Ask for specific tasks. Is someone already writing down who gave which gift? Is someone collecting the bows from the gifts for later use? Do they need help breaking down after the shower is over? During the planning process, help guide the host to focus on things that the bride will actually like. Does she hate surprises? Make sure she isn't caught off guard.

3. Remember that this event, as with all wedding events, is not your time to be the center of attention. It it your time to vie for a "best supporting friend" award. Look at this as practice for the wedding day: your job is to focus on the bride.  Don't wear white or cream or something outrageous. Remember why you're there: someone you love is getting married.
If you can't set aside your need to be the center of attention maybe you shouldn't be in the wedding party at all. 

For the Bride:

1. If there is wine, drink it.

2. As you open your gifts, remember that each of them was chosen with love. Smile and be so grateful for everything, even if you *know* you're never going to use Aunt Suzie's gravy boat. Find something to genuinely compliment about each gift

3. Bask in the love you're being showered with. Maybe you love being the center of attention, maybe you don't. Regardless, focus on the fact that these people love you and want to share in your joy.