Matrimony Monday: Deciding to Get Married

First of all, let me be clear that I am decidedly not a marriage expert.
I'm not a sociologist, a counselor, a psychologist, a self help book author, or anything else.
I'm just a twentysomething who's been married, divorced, and is now engaged again- who spends a LOT of time immersed in the wedding industry and thinking about the nature of marriage. All of this is based on my own experiences and obsessive Hermione Granger style research.

When I was 22, I thought that I had found someone who would make a good teammate for life. 

Six years later, I can safely say that I still don't think I was wrong- I think he would have, if he'd wanted to be my (or anyone's) life teammate. 

But he didn't. 

More devastatingly, he didn't realize that (or tell me) until after we'd been married for a year. 

And so, we got divorced. 

I didn't want to get divorced- I wanted to stay married... but I eventually figured out that you can't force someone to be on your team. 

I know that seems pretty obvious, but everyone makes mistakes at 24. I'm just lucky that my mistake was something dumb but principled. I made the best decision I could with the information I had available to me at the time. As Maya Angelou said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
There are far worse mistakes I could have made.

Contrary to what our rom-com worshiping society tells us, marriage isn't for everyone. 
It's not that there isn't a lid for every pot, because it's not that hard to find a lid that will fit.
The trick is finding a lid that won't explode off of your pot when the water starts boiling.
I firmly believe that some pots are genuinely better off without lids.
Not every person is better off married or partnered.

For some people, life is better off if they're married as long as it's to the right person.
(This seems to be the overarching idea about marriage today.)
For other people, life is complete only when they're married, period.
(Look at most of the first half of the 20th Century in Western Culture for this concept.
Romantic marriage was necessary and for everyone!
This is still the pervasive idea in a lot of cultures and communities.)

For me personally, the point of dating has always been about finding someone who would be on my team permanently.
I've never been one for "casual" dating or hookup culture.
For me, if something is worth doing, it's worth doing seriously.



I relate to this scene a little too intensely.


Of course, when I actually WAS looking to date casually (I seriously just wanted to try new restaurants and talk to interesting people, which I did.) I found myself another husband.
Oops.

So how did we decide to get married?
It just rapidly became stunningly obvious that we needed to.

We're both pro-marriage people who want to build a family in the same ways.
We share the same values, principles, and almost all of the same priorities.
(He's more into spending money on cars than I am. *eyeroll* Can't win 'em all.)
He gets all of my references: Monty Python, most musical theatre jokes, weird stuff in Latin...

Most of all, I finally understood that line from Wuthering Heights-
"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."




It wasn't so much a decision to get married as it was an obvious necessity given who we are as people.
Honestly it felt like a "well, DUH" moment when I realized that this weird-like-me Philly guy was the one I didn't know I'd been waiting for.
(Ugh, I know, gross again, sorry.)
Unlike many other choices in my life, I didn't draw up a list of pros and cons, I didn't give a weighted point value to practical items that weigh in favor of my long term goals, and I didn't even consider how things would look in pictures first.
(Ok, well, I might have for a second, but you would too if you had the potential for cop/flight attendant engagement photos.)

So here's my point: if you have to weigh the pros and cons about marrying someone, you need to be honest with yourself about why you want to get married.

Is it simply because it's the next "logical" step?
Is it because they check boxes on a list?
Is it because you want the fun and spectacle of a wedding?
Is it because you're at a point in your life where you feel like you "should" be hitting certain goals and you haven't yet?
Is it in spite of fundamental differences that make your life consistently challenging that you're trying to ignore?

If you thought about any of these and then added the phrase "yeah, but..." then I think the situation bears discussion with someone who knows you really well and/or is a professional at helping people work through hard life things. 
If you're a traveler with a weird schedule like me, allow me to recommend BetterHelp or TalkSpace.


There's definitely no "right" timeline for deciding to marry someone.
Some people know after two weeks.
Some people know they're ready after two years of (metaphorically) kicking the tires and working through stuff.
Some people know they DON'T EVER want to get married, and that's ok too!
(As long as they're honest with their potential partners about it.)

That's pretty much what I've got so far.
Check back with me in another few years to see if anything has changed...because goodness knows my thoughts on this topic were VERY different when I was in my early twenties vs. now in my well seasoned late twenties when I am finally so wise.

Matrimony Monday: Wait, I'm Engaged?

The last nine months have been quite the whirlwind. 

At the end of October/ beginning of November, the long term relationship I'd been in ended suddenly and not through my choice- I was blindsided and thoroughly devastated. 

Thanks to some amazingly kind friends in New Jersey and supportive friends and family across the country, I got through the worst of it. I didn't make any big Facebook announcements or put out a press release, because I figured the people who needed to know, knew.

Spoiler alert: Martin and I are now friends. We hang out (sometimes with my fiancé), and share snaps and videos of the dogs, depending on which one of us they're with. He sends me local sour beer tip offs when he's at a brewery and I let him know when I feel like throwing axes at a wall, since that's his side gig.
I get that it seems weird to a lot of people, but a friend summed it up nicely this way: "You're an awesome person and Martin's an awesome person. It makes sense."

But anyway... in the last five years I've gotten pretty good at reassembling my life after it implodes, and by the middle of December I felt ready to gingerly dip my toes back in the dating pool as the last phase of moving on.

After a few dates/interactions (some incredibly boring, some surprisingly interesting, none life changing or truly awful) one morning I swiped right on a cop with an Ivy League degree in Linguistics, whose political leanings lined up with mine, and who advertised himself as having "one dog and two cats, one of whom has zero respect for personal space".

By that evening, we were spending three hours in a car together to get pizza, by the end of that week it was clear this was the start of something big, and by the end of the 2017 my life had done a complete 180. Again. 

Look, within an hour of matching he was sharing interesting facts about the history of the Marsh Arabs with me and we were discussing Calvinism twenty minutes into our first date- how could I do anything but fall in love with him? 

"Well sure, Caroline," I can hear you thinking, "It's fine to fall head over heels, but why on EARTH did you have to agree to MARRY a guy you barely know?"

As frustrating and obnoxious as this answer is, when you know, you just know. 

To be blunt, I've been divorced once. I know what that special type of hell is like, and I'm not excited about the idea of repeating it, but I am SO sure about this man that I'm willing to be open to that possibility.
Yeah, it's scary.

When it became clear that this was going to be a SERIOUS thing so quickly, I turned to my friend Shannon over at Generation grannY  for advice because I knew she'd been through this whirlwind thing with her own husband. Pageant friends are the BEST, you guys, especially when they're brilliant. She's so great. Read her blog.

I could sit here and list a hundred reasons Joel is a phenomenal human being (AND the person I'm excited to be stuck with) but that still wouldn't explain all the ways in which this is sickeningly perfect.
The twinkley schmoop is strong over here, I tell ya.
It's gross.

A few anecdotes:

When he comes home from work he brings me flowers and the groceries he noticed we were almost out of.
This morning he started singing "Give My Regards To Broadway" as he headed out the door to work. (Oh, did I mention he can sing, play a couple of instruments passably, AND JUGGLE?)
No one can leave our house without being given something. Wine, a stack of paper plates, some cheese from Vermont- going to Joel's house is like going to the doctor's office as a kid: you know you're leaving with a prize.

Those are just a few tiny examples, but anyone who's been married knows that the little things truly are the big things. 

(And we're on the same page about the big things too, so that's good.)

So now we're planning a wedding and a couple of wedding celebrations, I have a shiny pink ring, and we're working together to map out our shared future.
For me, part of getting engaged was about being honest with the people in our lives about what we were planning. Sure, we could have waited longer for other people to get used to the idea that we were dating before announcing wedding plans, but that would have been lying by omission.


So that's the deal.
Now I have a new fun fact for every ice breaker game.
"I got engaged to a guy I met on the internet after knowing him for four months."
We have a pretty hilarious website.
We now have a house full of three dogs and two cats.
(We're like the animal Brady Bunch over here.)
We're tying the knot on June 1, 2019 and celebrating in Philly before we head up to Vermont for another party June 22. Invitees get to choose whichever event works best for their schedules - more on THAT decision making process later.
He's a gem.

“Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.” 📷: @jenrice261 😍😆: @ricej259

A post shared by Caroline Bright (@carolinebright) on Jul 17, 2018 at 6:32am PDT

#MeToo: For The Gentlemen

This post is for the men out there who want to be part of the solution, instead of being part of the problem. 

Every single woman I know has been sexually harassed and/or assaulted.

Every woman I know grips her keys or her phone a little tighter when walking somewhere at night. 

No matter what we wear, what we do, or how we exist in the world, being female automatically makes us targets for harassment and violence. 

The first time I remember being the target of unwanted advances from a male person was when I was nine years old.

(I actually hadn't thought about this incident for YEARS until yesterday when #MeToo started popping up all over social media.)

I was on a camping trip with my mom, grandma, and brother at Acadia National Park in Maine. 

I went to use one of the toilets, and I was harassed by a teenaged boy going in and coming out. 

It's been 18 years since then, so I can't remember exactly what he said to me, but I remember being really creeped out and scared to the point that I wouldn't go back to the spigot near the bathroom to get water for our campsite.  

I felt so....icky. 

The worst part about this story is that it's just not that bad when it comes to the spectrum of abuse that girls and women face every day. 

Some of the women whom I am closest to have experienced far, far, far worse. 

Their stories aren't mine to share, but they are mine to believe. 

Gentlemen, here's where you come in.

Look, we know not all men are rapists, but it is an absolute fact that most rapists are men. 

I am KEENLY aware that men can absolutely be survivors of sexual assault and many have experienced sexual harassment, but this post is directed at men who want to understand how to support the women around them and help end Rape Culture. Harassment and assault are never acceptable, no matter who the target is or who the perpetrators are. Ending the culture of rape will help ALL of us. 

If you're a truly good man, like so many I know, you want to help but you don't know what to do to help combat Rape Culture, so here are my tips for the good guys out there:

1. Believe her.

When a woman in your life shares an experience about harassment or assault with you, believe what she is telling you. 

Believe me when I tell you every. single. woman. has been harassed or assaulted. 

2. Educate yourself.

If, in your head, you quietly think something like "Yeah, but she is really hot, and that guy was just trying to compliment her. She probably secretly liked it." or "I bet she was wearing something that gave him the impression she was interested.", YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

Bro, check yourself.

Take the time to read articles like this one: Men, It's Our Moral Responsibility to Combat Rape Culture

Then spend a few minutes really thinking about it and the implications it has for your life. 

3. Speak up. 

This is probably going to be the hardest step, guys. 

When you're around dudes who make a rape joke, you have a moral imperative to speak up. 

When you see a man harassing a woman on the street ("catcalling"), you have a moral imperative to do something. 

Remaining silent means you agree with what's happening. 

Look, I know it's scary to put yourself out there and say something. Some guys might look at you funny. Some men might make you the butt of a joke. Some dude might even yell at you or threaten you physically. 

But wait.

Those things are what women experience literally just walking down the street every single day. 

Put on your grown up pants and be as brave as ALL of the women in your life are every day. 

So read up and most importantly, speak up. 

You'll make the world a better place for everyone. 

Ten Tips for New Hire Flight Attendants

Last week, my base welcomed our first round of New Hires in almost two years. 

Those of us at the bottom of the seniority ladder are SO EXCITED they're here. 

These new kids improve our chances of holding weekends off, getting trips we want, and they bump us up closer to the mythical "line holder" seniority level we've been dreaming of for two years. 

Ten Tips for New Hire Flight Attendants:

1. Get a distinctive ringtone for Crew Scheduling.

I went with the theme from "Archer" because it always feels like they're sending me on missions. The downside is that I now can't watch Archer without having a mini panic attack when the theme plays. Chose a ringtone or song that you don't mind ruining as an anxiety trigger for the rest of your life.

2. Be physically active.

The thing that surprised me the most when I started this job was just how physical it is. Walking miles dragging bags in high heels, lifting bags, hauling 300lb carts, getting down on the ground to fix things, and more. That activity plus the sheer physical task of traveling all. the. time. makes this job a very physically tasking one.
When you factor in the physical requirements of an emergency situation on top of the day to day haul, you need to be physically fit to do this job well.
Get some cardio in at the hotel gym, eat fruits and vegetables (that have not been fried), and get as much walking in as possible during your layovers.

3. Explore new things during your layovers and in your base.

You need to make sleep a priority, but when you're in a new city you should get out and EXPLORE! My go-to move is getting to the hotel, changing into a weather appropriate outfit, and using Yelp to find a place to get some good food within a mile or two of my hotel. I'll then map walking directions to that food place. Depending on the area, I'll check with the front desk of the hotel to see if the route is safe and walkable, and then I venture out! 

Tip: to look like a local instead of a tourist, pop some headphones in, but keep the volume low enough that you can still clearly hear everything going on around you. 

In your new base, ask co-workers where you should live/eat/play and don't be afraid to use modern technology to help! I picked up a nice young man on my second night in Philly thanks to a popular dating app, and now we've been dating for two years. There are multiple apps to help you make new friends in cities too!

One of my goals for 2017 is to eat Ramen in every city possible.

4. Try to save a little money for the slower months.

During the summer we fly more and therefore make more money. During the winter months there are fewer flights and less money. Plan accordingly.

5. Download your monthly schedules at the end of the month.

For tax purposes, you need to know every single layover you had all year. The simplest way is to just keep track every single month.

6. Always screenshot your pairing/sequence at the start of a trip.

Sometimes Crew Scheduling likes to pull some shady stuff. Make sure you have a record of what you were actually assigned so that you can pay claim/ sort things out.

7. Learn your computer system and your contract inside and out.

Crew Schedulers are human. They make mistakes just like we all do. They'll try to give you trips you're illegal for. They'll try to assign things out of order, simply because they don't know any better.
Be ready to question things respectfully by asking what page of your contract allows what's happening. If something seems incorrect, ask about it! Know how to use your computer system to bid

8. Create a packing system that works for you. 

You will lose your mind and all your stuff if you don't have a place for everything so that you can make sure everything is in it's place before you check out of your hotel room.
I have some suggestions for how to make that happen as a Flight Attendant.

9. Rely on your co-workers and ASK QUESTIONS if you aren't sure about something.

We all remember our first working flight. We all remember what it was like to feel unsure. Ask other flight attendants for help or to explain things to you if you're confused. Whether that's on the aircraft, in the galley, in the crew room, in a briefing, or at home when scheduling assigns you something that doesn't feel right. Use your resources! Reach out to your coworkers on Facebook if you can't find one nearby in person- there are so many people who will help you get this right. Just please don't bring your notes from training on your first flight. You'll look like a dork.

10. You are not alone, this is an overwhelming life change.

Becoming a Flight Attendant isn't just starting a new job. It's starting a new job in a new city, away from your support system at home, in a high pressure environment, where people's lives are in your hands. To top it off, you're never sure where you'll be when and you're constantly in motion. 

Everything feels strange and new and exciting, but it can also produce a lot of anxiety and sadness.

This is a big deal. It can be really hard, but you aren't alone. Every single FA flying has been through what you're going through.
Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends or to senior flight attendants to ask for advice or help.
We want you to succeed and we want you to flourish- we're a family connected by wings. 

A Professional Bridesmaid

For the past decade or so, I've worked events. 

My mom has two inns/event venues in Northern Vermont, in college I worked as an event coordinator for a local gallery, and then there's the constant political/non-profit work... plus, all my friends keep getting married. 

I've been a bridesmaid in a Gatsby Theme wedding in Scotland. 

I've been a bridesmaid in my ex-husband's ex-girlfriend's wedding in Arkansas. 

(Yes, that story is as good as you think it is. The short version is that females are strong as hell.)

I've been a pre-ceremony announcer, an impromptu DJ, a flower girl wrangler, a day-of coordinator, a Bride's Enforcer, and I recently booked my first gig as a wedding officiant. 

Oh, and I even got married that one time too. 

Our dear friends Mark and Marleigh got married last week, and it seemed like a good time to slap a label on what I've been doing casually for a long time: being A Professional Bridesmaid. 

Essentially, I want to offer more broadly what I've been doing for my friends for years- help with wedding planning, resources, and coordination. 

I just think it's the weirdest thing that our wedding culture tells us that when a ring is put on your finger, it instantly imparts all the knowledge necessary to execute a "perfect" wedding day. 

Oh, and that perfect wedding day had better involve a trendy-but-also-timeless wedding color scheme, an open bar, and six creative uses of burlap. 

Photo Credit: Lauren Brimhall Photography

You know what makes a wedding perfect? 

Two people in love get married. 

But it's never that simple, is it? 

Society and family put so much pressure on what you "should" do, on what you're "supposed" to do, that it can often take the joy right out of marrying your person. 

Having help from someone with experience, knowledge, and a practical perspective will save you so much time, stress, and money. 

Photo Credit: Lauren Brimhall Photography

I am not a wedding planner. 

I don't want to design your event for you. I don't want to craft your center pieces. 

I want to empower you to make the best choices for your wedding, to the best choices for your role in someone else's wedding. 

Then on the day of your wedding, I want you to have all the tools to have a joy-filled and minimally stressful experience. 

Whether that means I'm there in person to answer last minute questions from your vendors and your great Aunt Susan, or that means I've made you a phenomenally detailed wedding day timeline, you deserve to be relaxed on the day you commit your life to another human being. 

The packages I've put together start at $15 for some quick answers, and they go all the way up to me putting on a chiffon dress and being in your wedding photos. Whatever you need, friend. 

If you're planning a wedding, if you're about to be a bridesmaid, or if you've got wedding questions, hit me up: caroline@aprofessionalbridesmaid.com 

Tell your friends. 

This is going to be a good time. 

How to Survive a Bachelorette Party

May is upon us.

The unofficial commencement of Wedding Season has arrived.

Here we go.

Bachelorette (or bashlerette, depending on how far into the festivities you are) parties can be a lot of fun. 

There is also a lot of potential for mayhem and hurt feelings. 

These days, most typical Bachelorette parties involve a few key elements: traveling, alcohol, and raunchy references. 

Maybe you're going to Nashville, like so many women do. Maybe you're going on a local pub crawl. Maybe you're going on a wine tour. Maybe you're throwing a house party. 

No matter where you're going or what you're doing, here are three steps to survive the experience with your friendships and dignity intact.

1. Plan ahead.

Do not wing this.

If you know there will be alcohol consumption, have an ironclad plan for safe transportation. A party bus? Ubers? A designated driver or two? Know exactly who the contact person will be for the party bus. Know exactly who will call the ubers and how many you'll need to call. Make sure everyone has the phone number of your DD and that the non drivers leave their keys wherever you're staying for the night.

If you'll be outside, bring sunscreen. Wear shoes that you can live with.
Personally, because I am someone who wears makeup and likes it, I make sure to put on long lasting everything, especially lipstick like this one in Menace.

Have an emergency kit handy.

Even better, if you're throwing the party, have survival kits ready for your pals.

2. Hydrate.

Whether or not you'll be drinking alcohol at this event, you have GOT to remember to drink water. If you are drinking, it's especially important to hydrate. Alcohol is a diuretic, and it can be so easy to get wrapped up in fun and silliness that you forget that you literally need water to live, not to mention feel like a human being the next morning.  Most bachelorette parties are marathon events- days or hours of non-stop partying. While all of that is going on, make sure you're knocking back a glass of water for every alcoholic beverage you consume, or if you're the sober one, a glass for every couple of hours you're out. 

3. Use Situational Awareness. 

Be aware of what is going on around you AT ALL TIMES.
PAY ATTENTION to the people who are part of your group- do we still have all eight of us together? Did Sarah and Amanda make it back from the bathroom? Is Kate looking a little worse for the wear over there? Everyone is responsible for everyone else. Team Bride, for real.
Also, pay attention to the way your group might be affecting those around you. Are you being inappropriately loud? Are there creepers trying to be skeezy and making lewd comments to the bride?  Be ready to shut down any gross behavior from your friends or from jerks who want to ruin a fun thing. 





Depending on where and when you're partying, you may encounter other bachelorette parties. Remember, this is not a competition. In fact, you're all there to celebrate the same wonderful thing! Someone you love has found the person she loves.
So if they seem cool and it's appropriate, combine forces! Congratulate their bride and wish them all good luck. You're all going through the same rite of passage together.

Turbulent Health Ahead

When I worked retail in college, I didn't have paid sick time. 

If you were so deathly sick the you had to call out, you still needed to make sure that your shift was covered.

When I worked in an office, I did have paid sick time- sometimes. 

But even then, I wouldn't call out sick unless I was actively incapacitated or a danger to the people around me. 

I'm not a wimp. I could handle it. 

As a Flight Attendant, calling out sick is completely different. 

Now, working through some illnesses just isn't an option.  

Last year, I had to call out sick because I had laryngitis. I felt fine, I just had no voice.

Well guess what? Flight Attendants literally aren't allowed to work if they can't be heard- we need to be able to yell in case we have to evacuate an aircraft in an emergency. 

I'm currently out sick with a sinus/bronchial infection. 

I can't go to work with this because my ears won't pop, and if my ears can't adjust to pressure changes on the ground I could very well burst an eardrum at 30,000 feet.

I've burst both my eardrums in the past. I do not recommend it. 

So here I am, grounded by an illness that I would have worked through in any other job.

Forced to drink tea, take lots of medications, and hope that I'll be able to fly by next week because I really love my job. I want to go to work. 

I do have paid sick time, which is a huge reason I can stay in this job long term. 

Being a Flight Attendant can be a physically grueling job. 

The constant travel takes a toll on your body, as does hauling bags, dragging 300lb carts around, hiking miles in high heels, and sleeping irregular hours. 

Not to mention emergencies, hard landings, and turbulence- flying this much is hard on your body. 

Since starting this job, I've had friends who have had to be out sick because they've sprained their ankle, inhaled toxic fumes, fractured a rib, fractured a spine, and more. 

I've burned my hands and arms, strained muscles, and had more blisters and broken nails than I can count. It can get pretty ugly. 

If you're a new hire out there, here's some really important advice: prioritize your health. 

Ask any senior mama and they'll tell you how important it is to focus on staying healthy. 

Use hand sanitizer. Sleep instead of going out for drinks (sometimes). Wear the comfortable shoes once in a while. Sit down and strap in when it gets bumpy. 

For the love of all that is good, drink as much water as you can.

If you're a member of the flying public, have a little understanding for just how physically brutal our jobs can be.

Right now it seems like the media and the internet are conspiring with some of the worst parts of our society to make doing our jobs harder than ever before.

Have a little empathy for us when you're flying.

Better yet, give us the respect we deserve. 

Being a Flight Attendant seems very glamorous, but the reality is that it is physically and emotionally taxing. 

I love my job. It is the perfect job for who I am. I am so proud of the work I do everyday. 

I also go to work every single day ready to handle the worst case possible. 

The scenario you try not to think about when you're getting on a plane is something I've thought about a thousand times, and I'm prepared to handle it. 

Flight Attendants are trained and prepared to risk our lives to save yours. 

All we're asking for is a little respect. 

F(l)ight Club

By now, if you are a fluent user of the internet, you have surely heard about the latest viral controversy plaguing beleaguered United Airlines. 

Everyone is talking about this poor guy who was dragged off of his flight and the horrible treatment he received. 

Look, I wasn't there when it happened.

I do not work for United.

But here's my take on the drama.

1. Oh lordy, was this situation BUNGLED. 

From allowing the passengers to board when they KNEW there would be four who needed to be displaced for crew repositioning, to the airline's response on social media, to the ongoing PR handling, this whole thing is a cascading hot mess. 

Based on what I've read about this situation, it sounds like there were four seats on that oversold flight that were needed to get a crew to Louisville to work- deadheaders, as we call them in the airline industry. The company probably needed them to get to work in order to avoid canceling or further delaying other flights. Those four passengers were asked to give up their seats to save hundreds of others from being stranded on a week when literally THOUSANDS of passengers have been trapped in airports all over the country. As far as I can tell, these weren't joyriding non-revs, these were deadheading working crew members.

Sometimes deadheads are planned, but sometimes they're unplanned or a prior delay can complicate things. This is normal. I have been in situations where passengers on an oversold flight have been bumped for me or for another crew member. If you miss a flight, it's a problem. If a crew member misses a flight it can be a complete DISASTER for hundreds or thousands of people. 

However, the situation should have been dealt with at the gate. 

No passengers should have boarded that aircraft when they still needed to solve the crew seating issue. I am absolutely baffled as to how or why that happened. 

2. You aren't actually entitled to that exact seat on that exact flight.

As much as you're going to hate this, an airline is completely within the contract they signed with you to bump you from a flight whenever they need to. When you buy a ticket, you commit to a Contract of Carriage. You can find United's here.  

You don't own a seat on that plane.

3. This was horrendously bad customer service.

There's just no way around this one. Horrible service was provided to the man who was removed, as well as to the rest of the passengers who were on that flight. 

People deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and dignity.

That obviously didn't happen here.

That said....

4. When you're traveling, you need to be a reasonable adult. 

Travelers of the world, you need to have some perspective.
Every single person on that plane had an important reason for trying to get to Louisville yesterday. Maybe it was for a college visit. A funeral. Going home from Spring Break. A big meeting.

Every single person on every single airplane has an important reason to be there.

As terrible as I feel for the passenger who was injured, he absolutely needed to follow the instructions he was given, no matter how upset they made him. 

Travel (and life, for that matter) doesn't always go according to your plan. 

It's frustrating. It's maddening. It's enraging. It's not FAIR. 

But you still have to follow the rules and you still have to be a reasonable adult. 

You don't get to yell and scream and kick because you have to do something you don't want to. 

You comply and then get the company to give you a $1200 travel voucher. Or file a complaint with the Department of Transportation. Rant about it on Twitter

You do whatever you need to do to work through it, but you can't break the rules because you're mad.

Be responsible and handle yourself. Period.

5. This is having a big impact. 

My passengers actually paid attention to my safety demo this morning. 

I'm not sure if they were worried I was going to kick them off or if they just really liked my life vest, but I did have an unusually attentive crowd on my flight today. 

United's stock has plummeted in the midst of this PR nightmare. Social media seems more focused on this than real news and that's depressing.

I'm also extremely amused by the number of people who are suddenly experts on Airline Procedures... something tells me they probably have some even diagram overlap with the group of people who say things to me like "I fly all the time! I bet I fly more than you."
You don't, sir. You don't. 

So that's my take on the whole thing.
I'll be very interested to see how all of this plays out, but in the meantime, please be kind to the many many faultless United employees who are just trying to do their jobs. I have friends who fly for them, and it's not fair to disparage them or their employer over one viral story. 

Leggings on Planes: A Flight Attendant's Perspective

Over the past few days we've all seen this story blowing up all over the internet. 

Girls boarding a plane in Denver were asked to change their clothes at the discretion of a Gate Agent who felt that leggings didn't fit the parameters for appropriate attire. 

Well. I have some thoughts on the issue. 

In this particular situation, the girls were "pass riders" or as we call them where I'm from, "non-revs". They were flying using the work benefits of a family member or a friend who works for the airline. Non-revs have specific attire requirements that they have to comply with in order to utilize their flight privileges. 

Non-revs need to follow the parameters outlined by the airline they're benefitting from. That's totally fair.

HOWEVER. 

This conversation is about more than just leggings on planes. 

It's about how we view female bodies as sexual objects. 

It's also about how we, as a society, determine what is or is not "appropriate". 

Here's what it boils down to for me:

1. The clothing you choose to wear sends a message to the people around you about who you are. 

If you've paid for your ticket on a plane you can send whatever message you want to because you're only representing yourself. 

If you're traveling for business or in another specific capacity you might need to dress differently. 

When I put on clothes to leave the house, I am making a conscious choice about how I want to be perceived that day. 

Generally, I want people to glance my way and assume I'm a competent and polished person. I wear makeup. I comb my hair. My clothing style is mostly classic and sometimes kind of androgynous. It could most kindly be called "High WASP via Vermont".

People will always misunderstand you. There will always be people who misinterpret what you say or what you write, or how you present yourself in public. It's up to you to determine how that's going to affect what you do. 

2. All leggings are not the same. 

There are athletic leggings, casual cotton leggings, printed fashion leggings, and then there are tights, which are NOT leggings. 

I have no problem with leggings being worn as pants as long as they are completely opaque. I'm also aware that there are some people who don't feel the same way and when I leave the house wearing leggings as pants, I might encounter pushback. 

That might mean judgmental looks, or that might mean having a discussion about the validity of leggings as appropriate attire for non-revving. 

I don't believe that see-through clothing is ever appropriate on an airplane. 

I don't care who you are, I don't care what you're doing, an airplane is not the place to be provocative or push buttons. It's a place to be polite and to focus on safety. 

If it would have more than a PG rating in a movie theatre, it doesn't belong on a plane. 

I once had a situation where a passenger was wearing a shirt with a certain curse word all over it, and I had to work with the Gate Agent and the Captain to have her change into something that wasn't R rated. I wasn't personally offended by her shirt, but as a Flight Attendant it's my job to help make sure that passengers on my plane are treated with respect by the crew and also by their fellow passengers.  By wearing something so decidedly provocative in a public space, the woman who needed to change was not being respectful toward the people around her.

It's especially important to be courteous to those around you in public when you're on an airplane because it's a high stress situation for many people. 

When you're not on a plane, wear whatever you want to, friend. You do you. Just be aware of the message that you're sending. 

3. This topic is tricky because of how our society treats women as sexual objects. 

Objectification is simple: it's treating a person as a thing rather than as a human being. 

Sexual objectification is a huge and grossly complex issue that I don't really want to dive too deeply into, because I do not have a degree in Gender Studies or Psychology. 

I will say though, I am so sick of people debating whether or not it's appropriate for women to wear leggings in public because of the effect that leggings might have on men. 

Dudes, get ahold of yourselves. Your self control is not my responsibility. 

In the meantime, ladies, wear those leggings in whatever way you are most comfortable. Rock your outfits while flying. 

But whatever you wear, please keep consideration and respect in mind when you're deciding what to wear in public, especially on an airplane. 

Red Lipstick Resistance

It's no secret that I'm a pretty political person. 

But the truth is that I kind of hate politics.

I don't like playing games. 

I want to find straightforward solutions to problems so that we can help people. 

But I've learned over the past 16 years of my involvement in politics that problem solving isn't always as simple as we'd like it to be. 

Real and lasting change is complicated and it takes time. 

Real change is never simple, and it's never easy. 

You also probably know that I'm an outspoken feminist. I mean, it's literally in all of my social media profiles. 

I don't pretend to be an expert on every issue, but the question of gender equality and fairness is the cause that has set my heart on fire for my entire life.

I wrote my first letter to the editor of our local paper when I was ten years old, complaining about sexism and gender stereotypes in a column. 

My mom didn't coach me to do it. 

(Frankly, she's still a little baffled as to how she managed to produce me.)

She just gave me the tools to express the outrage that I felt, which involved a handwritten letter faxed in to our local newspaper.

For me, feminism and femininity go together like wine and ice cream.

I love them both and they make my life better when I embrace them responsibly.

The "classic Flight Attendant" look is hyper feminine, and of course involves those signature red lips. 

I've been into bold lipstick for as long as I've been seriously into makeup. 

I won Miss Vermont in a bright red dress with bright red lips. 

Bold lipstick has been my signature move for my entire adult life. 

Today is the International Women's Strike/ A Day Without A Woman.

I already have the day off from my paid job, but I'm also going to be spending the day striking from as much unpaid work as possible. For example, I'm going to let my boyfriend lean in and take care of the dishes and cleaning the kitchen, but I'm still going to take care of the puppy while he's at work. She's a living baby creature who needs care. I can't strike from THAT. 

As a union member, I proud of the connections that today has to the labor movement. 

For information about how you can help with causes centering around organized labor today, visit this website. 

My favorite thing I'll be doing today is wearing red lipstick.

A lot of people struggle with the idea that this symbol of femininity has feminist origins, but it sure DOES. 

It's also been a way that strong women express their bold power throughout modern history. 

This piece from Public Radio International is a great little intro on red lipstick as a feminist statement. 

A quick synopsis:

Suffragettes defiantly wore red lipstick when they marched in the streets for the right to vote.

Rosie the Riveter wore red lipstick when she built our way to allied victory during WWII.

Hitler hated women wearing lipstick. 

So fight back against misogyny, sexism, and Hitler, everybody. 

Wear red in whatever form makes your heart glad, and stand in solidarity for equality. 

Resist. 

Dry February: So Over It

I hated Dry February.

I hated it for the same reason I would hate cutting ANYTHING completely out of my diet: it sucks.

I didn't have an iron clad reason to stop drinking- I wasn't concerned that I might be facing addiction, I hadn't developed any new allergies or health complications... I mostly just wanted to see if I could do it.

I did not last the full month.

On February 17th I went to a brewery with my boyfriend and some friends, and I really wanted to try his weird beer (it tasted like kielbasa, but in a good way), so I did. 

Then I asked my friends if failing at Dry February would make for a better blog post, and when they agreed that it would, I sampled a flight (which amounted to about a drink and a half).

Wearing flannel while sipping beer at a microbrewery. WHAT AM I?

It tastes like sausage....... and that's a good thing??

I didn't have a beer because I felt like I needed to, I had a drink because I wanted to. 

I like drinking different drinks, not because of the affects of alcohol, but because the flavors are interesting and because I might be a closeted hipster. 

(I do wear a lot of flannel and very tight pants.)

After that, I was pretty much back on the wagon until almost-disaster struck.

I abstained for another week or so before I had a very exciting day at work that left me REALLY WANTING a glass of wine.

I can't go into the details, but for all you cabin crew people reading this, just know that my training kicked right in and no one had ANYTHING on their laps for that landing. 

A Flight Attendant's worst day of work if often pretty traumatizing. We were very lucky and everything ended up being totally fine. 

So when I finally got home, I had some wine and declared my Dry February experiment over. 

Here's my conclusion:

I don't want to completely eliminate anything that I enjoy from my life. 

Whether it's alcohol, ice cream, or anything else delicious, it's best in moderation. 

It's a good idea to pay attention to your consumption of ANYTHING and to be aware of what you're putting into your body. 

Depriving yourself of things you enjoy just isn't worth it, but do be honest with yourself about what you actually enjoy.

Are you drinking champagne because you genuinely like it, or are you drinking it to fit in when you'd rather have ginger ale in your glass?  Don't just do it for the insta.

Friend, go have the bartender fill your glass with whatever floats your boat.

(As long as you're of legal age and someone else is driving.)

I like champagne. I like vegetables. I like licorice. I have a passionate love affair with French Fries.

Some of that is cool. Some of that isn't. 

But I'm going to keep on enjoying the things that I like because I like them. 

You. Do. You.

That Whole Miss America Thing

Six years ago today, I was on national television. 

Most days it still feels impossible that I was *actually* Miss Vermont. 

Like, how on EARTH did a pale nerd become someone competing to be "the queen of femininity" at twenty years old?

Spot the Vermonter.

Being a former (forever) Miss State is a weird thing.

You're a celebrity with a very specific group of people.

You're part of one of the most elite sororities in the world. 

You can never really leave it behind you, even if you wanted to.

Being Miss Vermont will always be a part of my identity.
It has shaped too much of my life for it to become some "fun fact" that I hide most of the time. 

And for all of that, I'm so grateful.

But as always, what I'm most grateful for are these women.


 (To this day I can't watch this without crying and having flashbacks.)


We met a lifetime ago when we were all so young.
Now we've gotten degrees, gotten married, had kids, gotten divorced, bought houses, started careers, changed careers, starred in hit musicals, starred in TV shows, become lawyers and doctors and so many more things.

So here we are- another year into forever as part of one of the most hilarious, most interesting, and most fun Miss America classes to ever rock that runway. We've come a long way from Las Vegas, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Thanks stars.

How to Survive Flight Attendant Training

Two years ago right now, I had just received the exciting news that I had been chosen to start Flight Attendant Training with the world's largest airline. 

I was excited, nervous, and I had almost no idea what to expect.

The airline I work for has a training facility where you live, eat, and study for the six and a half weeks that you're in training. You don't get paid, but they do feed you and house you for the duration of your training. It reminded me of college or summer camp- we lived together and worked together and learned so much. 

Training can be very stressful. 

You're living in close quarters with strangers, you have to score above 90% on every test in order to be able to stay in the program, and some parts of training can be a little scary. 

I'm really scared of heights, and I had to throw myself down a a really tall evacuation slide. 

I hate putting my head under water, but I had to jump into a pool wearing a lifejacket, swim across it, and climb into a life raft. 

I had to put out fires (literally) and demonstrate physical defense techniques. 

And on top of all of that, you still have a life back home that's going on without you. There are bills that need to be paid, loved ones facing challenges, and just general homesickness. 

While I was in training I was going through the beginning of a divorce and my grandmother had a massive heart attack. Your real life doesn't stop just because you need to learn the difference between a Boeing 757 and a 787, but don't worry, this is worth it and you can handle it.

You know what though? Looking back I had so much fun. 

I made lifelong friends, I ate some really good breakfast burritos, and I fell in love with an exciting new career. 

So for those of you preparing to start the journey of a lifetime, here are a few tips so that you will be one of the lucky ones who survives flight attendant training. 

How To: Survive Flight Attendant Training

1. Memorize your airport codes BEFORE you leave for training.

I used an app called Quizlet, which has a lot of airport code flashcard sets made by other trainee flight attendants. Double check to make sure that the codes you're memorizing match up with the list provided by your airline. Start as early as possible- literally the DAY you get your training materials.

2. Use whatever tactics YOU need to study.

Some of my classmates studied in groups. Some of them used ironing boards to diagram airplane equipment locations. Some of them took large pieces of paper and put mock ups of airplane doors on the walls of their bedrooms so that they could practice door opening and closing. 

My roommate and I studied best by quizzing each other in our room, with just the two of us. Don't feel pressured into studying in a way that doesn't make sense for you. If you need a group, make that group. If you need to study quietly alone, do it. 

3. Take copious notes.

When your instructors give you information, write it all down by hand. Studies have shown that your brain memorizes information better if you record it manually rather than electronically. 

This applies particularly during lesson or section recaps. If they're reiterating it, it's probably on the test. Pay attention to acronyms and specific phrasing. They matter.

4. Practice your commands out loud.

Evacuation commands are some of the most important things you'll learn while in training. You hope you'll never need to use them in real life, but when that moment comes you'd better know them deeply in your soul.

Yell them out. Do the physical movements that go with them. Ingrain them into your muscle memory.  You'll need to do these every year at your annual recurrent training anyway, so get them down precisely NOW. 

5. Use moderation when putting things into your body.

Whether it's food or alcohol, don't overdo it. When your snazzy new uniforms come in, you're going to want them to fit, and memorizing the location of the portable oxygen is going to be a lot harder with a merciless hangover. 

Don't get me wrong, I still have a love affair happening with the training center's chorizo breakfast burritos and I enjoyed a mug or two of vinho verde with my roomie, but just be smart about your choices. 

6. Go to sleep, but not in class.

There will be times when the lectures you're in get a little bit....tedious. One particular powerpoint on how to operate a coffee maker comes to mind for me. Be a responsible grown up and get enough sleep so that you don't drift off during class time.

7. Look sharp.

Dress professionally and follow every single attire guideline you are given, both in and out of uniform. Don't forget that you haven't actually been hired yet. To some extent, training is one long extended job interview.

8. Make friends.

There are some jobs where it doesn't matter if you're friends with your co-workers. 

Being a Flight Attendant is not one of those jobs. 

Your life could literally depend on the people around you one day soon. If nothing else, you're going to need at least a few of them to rely on as your new support network when you get sent to your base. You'll be in a new city navigating a new and intricate job. The stakes are high. You need friends you can text things to like "Where's the crew room at DFW?" or "Where can I find the max duty day chart in the tablet?" 

You also need friends you can hang out with while you're on Reserve and waiting for the phone to ring.

Being a Flight Attendant is so much more than just a job- it's a way of life. 

You're going to use jargon that makes no sense to ground dwellers. 

You're going to have amazing experiences that your friends back home simply can't understand. Hopping on a last minute flight to Paris for the weekend? Don't expect your high school BFF to get it. 

You're about to start a completely new lifestyle and you're going to need a crew who will have your back.

Congratulations on making it this far and good luck on this next leg of your journey!