The End of Miss America?

Yesterday, a big story broke that has rocked a community I'm very proud to be a part of. 

The CEO of the Miss America Organization was exposed as having endorsed and/or written offensive and derogatory statements about various Miss Americas. He was suspended and then resigned. 

 More than anything else in this situation, I am fiercely proud of the way current and former titleholders have closed ranks in solidarity with our sisters. 

As I tweeted last night, if you mess with one of us, you mess with all of us. 

Miss America will survive this as the family that we are.

Here's a link to the details. 

Which brings me to what spurred me to write this post.

This opinion piece in the New York Times. 

Here's the thing. I agree with Jennifer Weiner about a lot of things, generally. I don't disagree with much of what she writes in this piece. My problem with it is that while she might be a self identified "pageant fan",  she obviously does not know my people. 

This crisis is not the end of Miss America. 

I've written before about how much "That Whole Miss America Thing" has meant in my life, but I want to be as clear as possible right now. 

I would not be the person I am today without having been Miss Vermont. I will forever be grateful for and proud of that experience. For. ev. er. 

One thing that really infuriates me about Ms. Weiner's piece is that she has the audacity to tell other women how they're allowed to express their femininity. 

HELL NO. 

I enjoy wearing makeup. I enjoy wearing evening gowns. I LIKE expressing myself in traditionally feminine ways- even if it IS "femininity as spectacle". It's FUN. 

Incidentally, I happen to ADORE drag shows and respect the heck out of those queens too- a lot of pageant girls do. Who do you think is teaching us all of our makeup tricks? 

If you're a woman who DOESN'T enjoy this stuff (have you met my mom? Have you met MOST women from where I'm from?) than that's perfectly fine too! Pageantry isn't mandatory. 

I would NEVER assume that what's right for me is right for all women. 

The other big thing about the piece that really grinds my gears is the idea that this is somehow the "end" of Miss America. 

Maybe it would be if Miss America were "just" a pageant. 

Maybe it would be if an organization devoted to empowering women needed a man to run it. 

Maybe it would be if the grassroots of the organization relied on the people at the top. 

Luckily, none of that is the case. 

Miss America is not about a pageant. 

Miss America is not about one woman who wears a crown. 

Miss America isn't about swimsuits, or spray tans, or teased hair. 

Miss America is about genuine sisterhood. 

Miss America is about a close knit community of people who believe in women and because of that they give and give and give and give. 

Miss America is about empowering women to be themselves on stage and off. 

Look, I'm a liberal Democrat. I attended Liberal Arts colleges. I've taken Gender Studies classes and loved them. I'm an outspoken feminist. 

I get that there are many many complex and problematic elements when it comes to pageantry as a whole and the history of Miss America in particular. I truly understand that. 

At the end of the day, this program is about building women up in a society that is constantly trying to tear them down. 

It's about teaching young women that their voices matter, and teaching them how to speak up with courage and skill. It's about developing relationships with women who will be your "ride or die" friends forever. They'll take you in or rush to your side when they find out you've experienced tragedy. They'll dance with you at your wedding. They'll be your army when you need one at your back. 

I don't know what's coming next for this organization, but I do know that it will be driven by the passion of empowered women. 

The end of Miss America? Oh HELL no. 

The Holidays Are Hard

It seems like every year advertisers and our social media newsfeeds inundate us all with images of perfect family holidays, exciting engagements, and fun vacations.  

Reality is very different for most of us. 

With my job, I rarely get to spend holidays with the people I love. I spend them sitting alone in hotel rooms, eating takeout (if I'm lucky) and FaceTiming with the folks back home, which often makes me even MORE homesick. 

Over the past few years I've spent Thanksgivings and Christmases waiting for the phone to ring, alone in strange cities, and wracked with heartache. 

No matter your job, holidays can be fraught with hard emotions. 

Death.

Divorce.

Financial crisis. 

A devastating health diagnosis. 

Family discord.

At this time of year it somehow feels like there's more pressure than ever to be living a perfect life, free of heartbreak, conflict, or hard times.

We're "supposed" to be full of holiday cheer and joy but often it can be incredibly difficult to feel the tingle of magic through the sadness of our real-life burdens. 

So for those of you struggling this holiday season, honestly, I'm right there with ya. 

Here are a few of my tips for coping:

1. Remember that a lot of people are having a harder season of life than you are. 

Yes, this is tough, but take a few moments to consider how it could be worse. 

I try to remember that even though I can't be with my family this time, at least I have all of them still and I can see them next week. 

2. Consider how people celebrated holidays historically.

You have indoor plumbing to use on Thanksgiving? Not too shabby. 

You aren't battling bears on your homestead in the wilderness? Good. 

3. Do routine things you would do on any other day.

Get your cup of coffee. Read your book. 

Remember tiny things that you like to do on a normal day, and do those things. 

4. Lower your expectations. 

WHY do we think that a holiday should be a day full of flawless and majestic happiness? 

They're just days, and we're just humans. 

5. Find tiny ways to celebrate for yourself. 

Last Christmas I was alone in Las Vegas for 30 hours. I made my own tiny celebration by doing things I love- eating delicious food and going to a Christmas Eve service at the local Unitarian Universalist church. I was friendly, so I made new friends. I like to sing, so I sang carols. 

It was a little lonely, but I also kind of loved it. 

#MeToo: For The Gentlemen

This post is for the men out there who want to be part of the solution, instead of being part of the problem. 

Every single woman I know has been sexually harassed and/or assaulted.

Every woman I know grips her keys or her phone a little tighter when walking somewhere at night. 

No matter what we wear, what we do, or how we exist in the world, being female automatically makes us targets for harassment and violence. 

The first time I remember being the target of unwanted advances from a male person was when I was nine years old.

(I actually hadn't thought about this incident for YEARS until yesterday when #MeToo started popping up all over social media.)

I was on a camping trip with my mom, grandma, and brother at Acadia National Park in Maine. 

I went to use one of the toilets, and I was harassed by a teenaged boy going in and coming out. 

It's been 18 years since then, so I can't remember exactly what he said to me, but I remember being really creeped out and scared to the point that I wouldn't go back to the spigot near the bathroom to get water for our campsite.  

I felt so....icky. 

The worst part about this story is that it's just not that bad when it comes to the spectrum of abuse that girls and women face every day. 

Some of the women whom I am closest to have experienced far, far, far worse. 

Their stories aren't mine to share, but they are mine to believe. 

Gentlemen, here's where you come in.

Look, we know not all men are rapists, but it is an absolute fact that most rapists are men. 

I am KEENLY aware that men can absolutely be survivors of sexual assault and many have experienced sexual harassment, but this post is directed at men who want to understand how to support the women around them and help end Rape Culture. Harassment and assault are never acceptable, no matter who the target is or who the perpetrators are. Ending the culture of rape will help ALL of us. 

If you're a truly good man, like so many I know, you want to help but you don't know what to do to help combat Rape Culture, so here are my tips for the good guys out there:

1. Believe her.

When a woman in your life shares an experience about harassment or assault with you, believe what she is telling you. 

Believe me when I tell you every. single. woman. has been harassed or assaulted. 

2. Educate yourself.

If, in your head, you quietly think something like "Yeah, but she is really hot, and that guy was just trying to compliment her. She probably secretly liked it." or "I bet she was wearing something that gave him the impression she was interested.", YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

Bro, check yourself.

Take the time to read articles like this one: Men, It's Our Moral Responsibility to Combat Rape Culture

Then spend a few minutes really thinking about it and the implications it has for your life. 

3. Speak up. 

This is probably going to be the hardest step, guys. 

When you're around dudes who make a rape joke, you have a moral imperative to speak up. 

When you see a man harassing a woman on the street ("catcalling"), you have a moral imperative to do something. 

Remaining silent means you agree with what's happening. 

Look, I know it's scary to put yourself out there and say something. Some guys might look at you funny. Some men might make you the butt of a joke. Some dude might even yell at you or threaten you physically. 

But wait.

Those things are what women experience literally just walking down the street every single day. 

Put on your grown up pants and be as brave as ALL of the women in your life are every day. 

So read up and most importantly, speak up. 

You'll make the world a better place for everyone.